"Do you even want to get married, Becky?" asked my seven year old friend.
"Where is this question coming from?" I giggled, having been startled by the abrupt way she approached this subject. (Silly me, I thought we were painting. What about painting could have possibly brought on this question? Clearly it was something on her mind, though.) This subject usually stops me dead in my tracks and hits the core of my heart--though the ones asking are usually under the age of 10. In these moments, I'm reminded of Peter and his denial of Christ at the question of a little child. A child's curiosity will lead them to ask whatever question is on their mind. They have curiosity without fear; something I admire greatly. But sometimes their questions hit to the core in a way they can't even comprehend, yet.
I came to the conclusion in my mind that my young friend doesn't fully understand that weight of the question she just asked. She's just asking a question. No pretense, just pure curiosity. Still, the question, regardless of who it is being asked by, feels like a test...like a pop quiz...I hate pop quizzes.
After all, I say I trust God. So this is an invitation to respond to a different question--Do I trust God in this moment to speak the truth over my heart and over hers right now? Because maybe what my friend is asking, but doesn't realize, is whether there are things in life that we can't trust God for?
My friend continues, "Well, you just...I don't know, you just don't seem like the marrying type."
(If anyone else had been in the room with us, I'm sure they'd have seen my eyes bug out of my sockets. What in the world??? Deep breathes. This child loves you and means NOTHING of harm to you. She is reporting on what she has observed...Take a deep breath. I prayed in the moment-- two words. HELP ME. and it was in the next few moments that the Lord came and comforted my heart)
the inner dialogue of that moment became something like this...Is that the person I put off to others? Really? Hold on...This could be a good thing! Does this mean that it's contentedness that others see? My friend here is not the first to ask me this question. How is it that my deepest of desires is not even known by any of these? Why are people shocked when I answer them that I DO desire marriage?
Lord, does this mean that my life displays to others a heart contented and trusting YOU??
Surely this is an act of You, GOD ALMIGHTY because You know how many tears have flowed--in that secret time with You, when I'm honest and needy, needing you to speak Your truth over my heart. When I'm crying out for Your grace to hold me in Your arms. When it's taking every ounce of my being to choose to take refuge in You and choose to trust Your plan, and choose to trust that JESUS IS SUFFICIENT!
Wow! Could it be that what my friend is seeing is the power of Christ grace in me. Wow. I hope that's what it is. God, You are good.
I smiled, took a breath, and answered my friend. "I do want to be married, friend. But God has not decided it is time. I'm trusting Him to make that call."
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This is not always easy.
I've been tempted to entertain the affections of men who have shown interest in me, even knowing I'd never marry them. To entertain these affections would be unloving to these men, my brothers in Christ.
I've been questioned by family members of my "sexual orientation" simply because of choosing to not date around or have sex. (These conversations have provided a great platform to share the gospel with my family, and others, so--that's a WIN!) Sex is not the answer to loneliness. being in a relationship does not cure us from loneliness or somehow increase our value as a human being, either. Those are both lies from the enemy.
I've also been told I'm too stubborn or not doing enough--not "putting myself out there" enough. And I've been tempted to try to be the one to pursue a man.
Truth is, I am stubborn and independent. But I think those are graces from the Lord that help me wait on his timing and trust that Christ is sufficient. If I'm called to marry, call me old-fashioned or prudent (which by the way, means wise), the Lord will direct the man to pursue and the Lord will guide us.
At the end of the day---> If all the littles in my life, and all my single friends or whomever is observing, look at my days on earth and conclude that JESUS is ENOUGH, then PRAISE be to THE LORD!! All these single days would be worth it.
If they can see, through my life, that Christ, NOT MAN, makes them whole-- then BRING on the awkward conversations!
Jesus is BETTER!! He will cause our hearts to believe this.
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