Inches are Inches for a Reason Part 2

There I sat, on the floor with the textbooks of all 6 subjects I would be teaching the following day, spread out and scattered about. The guys were used to this scene. They graciously opened their space to my pitiful student teaching mess often, and tonight we were all in the room together. Them, nose in a book or on their phones--me wondering how I would teach 6th grade history from a non-existent textbook and manage to write adequate reflections on every second of what had become the most trying semester of my entire college career.

In a fit of frustration, I spoke my concerns to my audience of 2. And so began the conversation which quickly went to the ever-so-lovely Public School vs. Homeschooling subject. Of which, I had become passionately homeschool minded. After all, my link to sanity in this degree was the understanding that all this "training" would prepare me to homeschool my own quiver-full of rugrats! Career was never on my list of prioritied. And in this student teaching position, I felt as though I was running in a hamster wheel. Constant movement and so much work with little to no distance covered and no clear measure of accomplishment. 

One of the guys happened to share most of the same opinions in the subject, but definitely not my second friend. He brought up some valid points to consider. We discussed the need for Christians in the Public School arena and how we ought to be in the world, not of the world. "If all the Christian abandon the schools then who will be teaching the next generation?" The wheels of my mind were spinning. How can we be lights in dark places if we are not in dark places?

Father brought to my mind the brokenness that existed in the families of just my 18 6th graders. My friend was right.

But I remember thinking and processing all I was going through as a student teacher and how when I am married one day, my ministry will be first to my husband and family. The thought of trying to balance family and teacher with all the demands of each screamed with impossibility! In my mind, 100% effort and the care or attention needed for each would be beyond my ability.

"That's not your concern, today." Father spoke to my heart. 

And then this friend asked the question, the one I had been pondering and seeking understanding for the last 4 years:

"Why in the world are you in school to become a teacher if you are so against public school?" 

And all at once, every thought of frustration and question and anything linked to this subject which has passed my mind in the previous 4years came rushing back! All.at.once!! 

I remember sitting in my college courses, attention diverted from the day's lecture as my thoughts exploded on the pages of my notebook in reaction to something said by my professors or the textbooks. "Remind me again, God, why you brought me here? I can't be a teacher! I hated public school when I was in it! And four walls, 8 hours a day? That's not how a kid should learn! And your saying each kid will have different needs. if they fail its my fault, right? even if I've done all I can and exhausted the limited resources, or they just gave up!?? This is such a broken system! I don't want to spend my life working in a broken system. ever fearful of speaking your name for threat of my job! Give me a mountain, fresh air, some grass...anything but the cage of a classroom! Let me teach where my hands aren't bound by a godless society" (Or something to that affect, recorded similarly on more than one occasion, just as dramatic, too).

So I gave my inquizative friend the only answer I had. The one that contained all the understanding Father had showed me to that point:

"I have no intention of making this my career. My desire is to be married and have children. But today, I am single and this is where God has called me to today. This is the task He gave me to complete. I have to remain obedient to what he has given me to do today. And today, that means I'm writing lesson plans for a classroom full of 6th graders." 

I've come to an understanding that Father has a sense of humor! Like I've stated in the previous blog entry, at this juncture in my life what I had maybe hoped for or envisioned my life would look like, looks slightly different then what is reality. 

Upon moving back to Virginia, I began working as a substitute for the local school system until The Lord provided a tutoring position at a local school. Broken system or not, there I was working in it! 

Inches are Inches for a Reason

Have you heard the expression "give them an inch, they will take a mile" before? This age old saying is as true today as it was when it was first said long ago (though I really don't know who said it or how long ago it really is). I see this most in the lives of those lovely angels in the classroom. Children are in an ever increasing state of testing the waters and so often, though not always, if you lax on your rules they will try to see how far they can go in their new boundary lines. Or if you treat them in small ways, they will shoot for all the bells and whistles!

But we as adults are not excluded from this boundary-testing or want-of-more state of mind. At least, I know I'm not. In my relationship with Christ, specifically in this time of determining what His plan for my life is, I see this clearly. He shows me an inch of His plan for my life and I kick and scream wanting to see the whole mile mapped out before me.

Since graduating from BCF this past December (2012), and moving back to Virginia, I have been in this state of wondering what will come next while trying to faithfully serve here where Father has placed me, and somehow unpack my mind of some hefty questions. Father has faithfully continued to teach me more of His character and has blessed me with so much soul family who teach, challenge, and encourage me DAILY.

My heart, however, has fought to remain content. I have often been inwardly as a toddler, throwing tantrums and giving Father the silent treatment (as though He didn't already know my thoughts before they flowed through my noggin). And the more of His character I learn, the more I cannot deny the filth of my sin in fighting his plan. It is perfect, it is good. I know this to be true, and yet I've so blatantly folded my hands and turned my back to him, nose to the sky, pouty lip pooched out to show him how dissatisfied I am with what I can see of this plan.

By this time of my life, I had imagined several scenarios: Married, serving alongside my husband in some far off mountain land, or running an orphanage in a jungle somewhere. Or perhaps hiking the Appalachian Trail, winning nomads and hippies to Jesus. Never did I once think...(no wait, that's a lie. I did think briefly think that Father could send me back to my homeplace...but I shrugged that thought...nightmare off as nonsense)...it seemed highly unlikely to be what He would choose.

Somehow over time in the conclusion of my senior year of school, the idea of going home actually became enticing. Father caused my heart to actually long to return to Virginia. Though Florida had had its charm, my time there had concluded, and it was clear coming home would be the best solution. This newly developed longing to be with my soul family at Pillar was truly what brought me home, and eagerly. But my hearts contentment had been displaced through events in November. And though Father continued to draw me close to Him, I let myself continue to believe lies of his character and let resentment grow in my heart towards Him for this new "turn in the road" that I did not approve of.

Outwardly I have tried to step one foot forward at a time and do all I possibly can to stay busy doing good. "I don't want to talk to you right now, Father! I just can't handle this right now. I don't understand why I am here. I don't understand and yes, I realize you will provide understanding, but I just don't have time to talk to you. I've got to figure this out on my own. Cause you're way just is not working for me!"

That's the grieving words I would say in my core to Father each time he would whisper softly to me. I ceased communing with him, sure I'd read his words but they weren't life breathing, truth to my soul. They were just mere words on a page, and not much more. I was overcome by fear, waiting for what I didn't believe or trust He would give me. The desires of my heart...the ones He had sown in my soul. This is pride, this is rebellion. This is me saying I am entitled to something when really, all we are given is His grace to us.

Do you see the disease of arrogance? How it creeps in? How it can erode the senses of what was once so sweet and true? 

He would draw me away from the chaos of the days I had managed to fill with more ways to serve and less time to spend as His Love. He would lead me to a mountain peak, or a forest deep. Then there was a hammocks rest, in a night under the stars. This wrestle of flesh and spirit...my love pursuing me. Despite my anger, confusion, arrogance, irritation...(all of which were completely displaced and linked to thoughts and understandings completely not consistent with the true nature and character of my Jesus) my love PURSUED me.

And He wasn't just going to stop with these spits of refreshment, where on the mountain peak, in forest deep or swinging on a hammock beneath His stars, He drew me near and sweet confession was birthed from the pangs of his gentle conviction. No, he didn't stop there with just the sweet sips of His grace which began to return life to my weary-from-fighting soul with each humbling moment.

"Father, I have been foolish. I know you have a plan. I know it is good. I need your help and strength to trust You. I need your help to be content."

...Stay tuned...part 2 coming soon. 

Dear Hurting Ones

Dear hurting ones, 

With clenched fists, we hold the broken shards of shattered clay. Shaking in each others faces, fury growing when all we see is each others disgrace. and clenching tighter with every emotion filled, narcissistic thought, the wounds go deeper and deeper. A pool of blood and clay pieces fills our even tighter grasp. Infection sets in. The adrenaline powered endurance is strengthened by our hurt and anger. Despite the immense pain throbbing in our hand, we refuse to let go, to loosen our grip and let the very thing infecting and hurting us drop to the floor. Healing can't come until we let go of what is causing the pain. 

Shaking our heads at truth, we obstinately refuse to recognize we are just as broken as who we claim has harmed us or done us wrong. We have been and are the shards which grieve and pain the very one who created us, who sent His son, who died for our own broken mess. We are each broken clay needing to be molded by the eternal potter, creator. 

When will we individually stop shaking our fists full of clay shards? When will we understand our own brokenness and be moved to compassion toward the other broken clays? 

When will we cease clenching tighter, breaking and cutting more and more and instead let the pieces fall to the ground? Out of our hands and at the disposal of the potter, the one true God, to mold and reshape. 

We are stubborn. "That broken clay doesn't deserve to be remolded, fixed, reshaped!" We shout this with anger and pain filled tears flowing from our eyes. 

But it's this thinking that proves we believe we are somehow different from the other broken clay. 

Let go, already! Let go! Stop being so narcissistic and realize the truth. 

Recognize who you really are and how in need of Christ YOU are! 

Let the healing begin!!! 

And like peroxide on an open wound bubbles and removes the dirt and infection, so the Grace of Christ flows over all the deep heart and soul wounds, bubbling and removing all that was claiming our joy and claiming our peace. Joy and peace that come only from knowing Christ and this cross. 

Sincerely,

Clay Sister

Untangling via Honesty

These are the things the Lord is teaching me lately:

1. What causes the biggest grief can also source great joy
2. But there are times when caution produced by grief hinders me from moving forward...
3. Especially when I choose to push the issue aside & ignore it.
4. Prayer is a battlefield and I am the soldier cowering up in a tree most of the time.
5. Acknowledging #4 to be true sickens me.
6. So comforted to know that God's faithfulness has no limit, knows no cowardice, and will always work to bring about His ultimate plan and purpose. 

Eucharisteo

There is a blog I frequently read, aholyexperience.com
Ann Voskamp is the blogger and she happens to also be the author of a book called "1000 Gifts." in this book, she discusses her battle to reclaim joy via a journey of discovering that the grace of God is displayed all around us, all the time. And in thanking God for all the grace pockets, true, lasting joy is attainable
I have not finished the book, but I have taken one of the quotes from the book and used it in a project which I made for a dear friend & mentor who I am very grateful to have known and been taught by.

Wood burning became a hobby of mine a few years ago. I am slowly learning and rarely have the time to work on it, but it is always an enjoyable pastime of mine--scent of burning wood + thrill of creating something new and unknown= beautiful.

Tuned for His Glory

I hear the notes of my favorite hymn flowing in my mind as I read the lyrics on the page of a book I’ve selected randomly from the shelves that surround me. And these lyrics are so rich, “Come thou fount of every blessing, tune my heart to sing Thy grace…” Rarely can I read them, hear them, think them, sing them without my eyes filling with the tears of a heart that has experienced the depth of these words- so real, “Sorrowing I shall be in spirit, Till released from flesh and sin, Yet from what I do inherit, Here Thy praises I'll begin…”. And it becomes more than a hymn. It's a prayer, a plea, an offering before the Lord of thanksgiving, in awe of his grace and love… “O to grace how great a debtor, daily I’m constrained to be! Let your goodness, like a fetter, bind my wandering heart to thee.”

Today, there is a fresh measure of musings I wish to consider from this song. When you sing/pray "tune my heart to sing thy grace" are you aware of the pangs of correction involved? Do you see how the Lord has had to teach your heart to embrace his grace? Of how He continues to teach your heart to embrace his grace?

I have this picture of a musician and his guitar. The strings are stretched along the neck between the tuners and the body. And the strings are wrapped around little pegs on the headstock where knobs called “tuning keys” (I know I'm more than likely butchering terminology) are used to take this from a mess of wood, metal, and nylon to functioning, musical instrument. However, it's only when accurately tuned that the strings, when plucked or strum, create the desired sound--the beginnings of a sweet melody begin with the pangs of stretched cords.

Have you seen this true in your own life? In your own heart? Have you been “tuned” to sing of God’s grace? His grace: “Jesus sought me when a stranger, Wandering from the fold of God; He, to rescue me from danger, Interposed His precious blood.”

These are the beginnings of a sweet melody, ey? "tune my heart to sing thy grace" A heart that knows Christ-- knows his grace-- is a heart that sings? YES.

My heart has not been easily tuned. God has been tuning my heart to play His sweet melody since the day he gave my heart its beat. At times it has truly felt as though the cords of my heart and mind have utterly snapped. Yet I wonder, "Does it every really snap, though?"

I am stubborn, and my heart is full of pride which has, at times, kept my eyes closed to His grace in my life. My pride has kept me from being able to sing “Here's my heart, O take and seal it, Seal it for Thy courts above.” Stubbornness has caused my hearts eye to close to the correction, the tuning by Christ’s truth as my junk is exposed. Like the screech and misplaced sound of an untuned string trying to be whole in the melody, only causing pain. (Can you visualize the musician, trained to identify the slightest misplaced note, squinting with pain in their face at the sound of this untuned tragedy) It has taken great pain to humble me before such a gracious and merciful Savior. “Prone to wander, Lord I feel it, Prone to leave the God I love…” those words…I know them too well. This great pain, inflicted by my sin, has felt like an irreparable break.

A guitarist knows how to gently care for his instrument. Does not Christ know how to care for me, his instrument? The guitarist knows how to turn those keys, ever so gently. Pluck the stings in just the right way, listening intently to the sound it makes, loosening and tightening…until it plays the desired note at just the right pitch and tone. Does not Christ know the sound he desires my heart to play? Is He not more than capable to tune my heart to play his sweet melody?”  

When pride so thick is humbled, it can feel as though you’ve been broken with no hope. It can feel as though your heart-cord has irreparably been broken. “Can a heart-cord be fixed? Is a heart-cord like the strings of a guitar that are unusable once snapped? As a good friend once told me, “There is a hole in every good illustration.” In Christ, our hearts are never beyond the ability to be healed so long as we breathe in these mortal bodies. Christ is our Hope. Christ is also like the skilled, gentle guitarist, tuning us for His Glory. In his hands, our strings will not break before their time. It is because He knows us, intimately. He knows when, he knows what, he knows how, he knows ALL the details of how each of our hearts will be uniquely tuned to sing of His grace.

  I don’t know if you can relate, but in my Christian walk, I’ve found myself expecting to go from “wretched sinner” to “perfect angel” at the snap of my fingers. And anything less (which is always) leaves this cloud of self-condemnation over me. “I know guitars were not an instrument in Christ’s day…perhaps we have reached the limits of that illustration. But of all the parables Christ had,” I think to myself, “do we see an example of how Christ expects our hearts to be tuned, the speed at which it’s achieved?”

I select another book from the shelf. This one is on Matthew 9:14-17. The disciples of John approach Jesus and ask him why they and the Pharisees fast, but the disciples of Jesus do not. Jesus' first point I can clearly see is defense, I understand it at face value as I have learned that Jesus's disciples were with Jesus so they did not have reason to "miss" him, to long for his presence, as he was already there with them!  But the second defense Christ gives had me puzzled.  Why does Jesus give us examples of patching clothes and instructions on "How to Properly Store Your Favorite Wine?"

Matthew Henry offers explanation, explanation that links these ponderings of stretched strings and tuned hearts:

 "Some duties of religion are harder and more difficult than others, like new cloth and new wine, which require most intenseness of mind, and are most displeasing to flesh and blood; such are religious fasting and the duties that attend it. The best of Christ's disciples pass through a state of infancy; all the trees in Christ's garden are not of a growth, nor all his scholars in the same form; there are babes in Christ and grown men. In the enjoining of religious exercises, the weakness and infirmity of young Christians ought to be considered: as the food provided for them must be such as is proper for their age (1 Cor. 3:2; Heb. 5:12), so must the work be that is cut out for them. Christ would not speak to his disciples that which they could not then bear, John 16:12. Young beginners in religion must not be put upon the hardest duties at first, lest they be discouraged."

(Matthew Henry Commentary Volume 5; 1999: Page 98-99)

Did you know that the tuner must twist those knobs slowly? Like a rubberband or our muscular system, were you to stretch the stings of nylon to quickly at once, they would snap! In reviewing where I was emotionally, spiritually, physically, and mentally at different stages of my life, I’ve really come to understand this to be true. I stand amazed to see how the Lord has deepened my understanding of who He is, and in both the simple and complex aspects of life, He has brought maturity. It’s only upon reflection that the measure of maturity is really seen or noticed. And though I know the maturity has come from a line of tweeks that were painful at times, not always pleasant, I know and praise God for the joy of being tuned to sing of His almighty, beautiful, amazing grace! Like the seasoned strings of a guitar, my heart is continually being tuned for HIS GLORY!

A Moment Like Jonah

Today held a morning of Baptist College moments as I listened to our chapel service from my cozy library office in Virginia. As the sermon closed out and the radio returned to its normal playlist, images of R.G. Lee came to mind. A familiar scene I’ve seen repeated so often in the course of the past 5 years. And I wonder if anything has changed…

Having just been dismissed from Chapel, I can see the faces of those in my alma mater filing out the door. Most probably had their things gathered and ready to jump from their seats and exit as soon as the prayer was complete, (busy is the life of a college student, and after all- the cafeteria opens soon and class comes quickly afterward. There’s not time to stop, breathe, think). Some will most likely be lingering and gathered in clutters around the chapel, in the most inconvenient of positions, to socialize with friends or professors. A few may be lined up to greet Dr. Akin, shake his hand, say their “well to do’s,” network and be on their way. There will be a few, however, who remain in their seats: journaling, processing, thinking about and praying through and actually receiving the words they have just heard.

This select few have not only heard the words, but have been cut to the core by the Holy Spirit, moving and stirring in their hearts, challenging them because they HAVE been Jonah. They are Jonah. Or they desire so beyond measure to not be as Jonah. These contemplator’s hearts are full of compassion… or are being broken for their calloused hearts. It is a great temptation each of us may face to follow as the Lord leads, or run in the opposite direction. And, even if we do move in the direction God leads, each of us will have to actively choose contentment and joy. Each of us can be, have been, or will be Jonah. I know I’ve been opinionated and rebellious. I’ve deemed God’s plans illogical or impossible and have joined the cargo ships to Tarshish, only to find myself in the belly of a whale…

“You ought to not pray ‘shall I go’, instead your prayer should be ‘Why should I stay’” these words are ringing in the ears of our contemplators. I am no stranger to this contemplation. And, I know I am not alone in being faced with this challenge today. Dr. Akin presented the shift in prayer focus we each need. Each of us who have excused away our part in the Great Commission, simply for lack of clarity (as if it could be clearer than “go”) or the myriad of excuses we could and have made. I’d imagine their minds are replaying and shuffling through the reasons why they should or should not stay. Their hearts are wrestling. “Am I just comfortable?” “Have I made excuses?” I know mine has. In fact, it is a discipline of evaluation and reflection I have learned is necessary to employ in my life every couple weeks or months. “God, am I complacent in where I am? Have I calloused from your leading? Should I remain planted in this place, or is it time for a transplant? Am I thriving or just surviving?”

To those contemplators who wrestle through these things with the Lord, and take the time to sit and commune with the Lord, my heart is overjoyed! I pray they have run to their secret place, known only to the Lord and themselves. The place where they meet with Him and face each and every bit of the Spirit’s leading. No walls being thrown up, just a sledge hammer tearing down all their excuses and all of their desires, until they are left prostrate on the floor before the Lord, humbled and full of Eucharisteo (grace, joy, thanksgiving).

For as many times as I remember identifying with the contemplator who is more like the example above, I know there is a flip-side to the coin, and I know I can also identify with the contemplators who are more stubborn. A tragic situation will occur in some of our contemplative individuals. They have just encountered the Holy Spirit, and now they will decide to either lean in closer or build the callous of complacency around their hearts and shove these stirrings deep into their souls. They think it would be easier to ignore the pressing of the Spirit, save it for thought when they have more “time” to process everything. I pray they would realize now is the time to process, to pull away from distractions, to commune with the Father in prayer.  

For those of us who fall into the more stubborn category, it is discovered that the message has hit too close to home. Pride is preventing some to see they are “Jonah.” As Dr. Akin spoke of those stirred with anger for the way God has or is choosing to display His glory, that family member’s face flashed in their mind’s eye as Akin described the scenario of Jonah’s discontentment with God offering forgiveness. How ironic, how arrogant. We are the ones who have caused the great offense against our mighty God, and yet I know I’ve found myself getting angry upon seeing the Holy Spirit move and bring forgiveness and healing to those I’ve deemed unworthy of forgiveness. Completely forgetting that I  am the unworthy one. I damb myself in the same breath that I damb another when I choose to withhold the measure of grace Christ offered. And I know I’m not alone in this. There will be those who will have departed from Lee Chapel today, completely calloused to the Lord revealing this sin of their hearts. They will press it away and it will slowly erode their hearts and bring a great chasm in their hearts between them and the Lord. I pray they would not allow their pride to have a foothold in their hearts any longer. I pray for the pain that will continue to remain as the wounds they’ve inflicted continue to infect their lives, their families, their relationships, their ministry past, present, and future.

                I wish I could link the message to this blog, if for no other reason but so it is archived here as so often I love to reflect back through here and remember how the Lord has opened my own eyes to the remnants of pride eating at my heart, grieving my Jesus. Perhaps the scene I’ve described above is a far-cry from reality. But I don’t think it is. I don’t think it is beyond possibility because I remember being in those pews. I remember days of my arrogance and childish mind- completely missing the treasure of yielding to the Spirit. I remember the days when I sat with my journal and continued to write with fierce speed for fear my mind would forget how the Lord was teaching me…(only to look back later and need a translator for my chicken-scratch-chinese).  If I’ve matured at all, and I believe I have, in my days at BCF I know it came in large part from Chapel services (even if some days it seemed my skills of heresy detection were being sharpened…it’s a reality you will face wherever you are). I remember identifying with each of these types of people…even the ones who rushed for the door or cluttered in the isles.

                I pray that we would each be able to humbly approach the throne and ask as David did, that the Lord would: “Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!” (Psalm 139:23-24 ESV) Specifically, in connection with today’s challenge “Show me my Jonah ways, Lord! Break me of my pride, arrogance and selfishness. I REPENT and wish to turn from my wicked ways.”

Wrecked (gloriously)

Wrecked (in a glorious way) by the truth, the Bible. And by the words of 1 Chron. 10, seeing how seriously God hates sin.
Saul was King and he and his army had been defeated, he was wounded and he asks his armor-bearer to kill him because in pride he didn't want to give his enemy the opportunity to slay him. The servant would not, for fear. (yet he ends his own life after Saul kills himself). And from there, Israel scatters and the philistines are rejoicing and praising their false gods over the victory. (unbeknownst to them, God enabled them this victory because of the disobedience of Saul. They were being used in the one true God's plan. Their idols were still as worthless and dead as they were before). -I wonder how often I have given credit to another for what was really God's providence...too often to count, and yet once is too often.-
And the sin of one man has a ripple affect all over, from the farthest reaches-the ways you cannot see- to the most intimate of relationships and to the core- your relationship with the Lord.
(Have you been WRECKED by the realization that your sin separates you from the one and only, holy, Triune God?)
Wrecked knowing my pride is not far removed from that of King Saul's. Wrecked knowing Christ died, took on the wrath of the Father, on my pridefully wicked behalf.
Sweetly broken.
Held together by His grace.

And my mind is boggled upon these thoughts- continuously when the vision of my sin and the depth of grief I've caused- of how my thoughts and actions have grieved the Spirit, and yet His grace flows and forgiveness abounds. And it's in these times when it is made more clearly- His grace is not to be abused or ill-treated. it is to be treasured, cherished. And infinitely more than that, Jesus is to be treasured, cherished, honored, glorified.

Wrecked thinking about the multiple times of seeking guidance from everywhere else but God, forgetting that "But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ- by grace you have been saved..." (Eph. 2:4-5)
And I forget that? And i somehow think anything or anyone else could actually be a sufficient guide to anything or everything in life? I actually think that "created" would know more than "creator"?
Wrecked of my foolishness. So beautifully coming to understand, by His grace-which has saved me- I breathe each breath. (And it's all for His glory) and it's by His grace I am able to be wrecked. Able to see And praise Him for enabling me to see these things and understand more of this truth- I need Christ, He is ALL I need. And it's from this need that my heart is set in Him, and my mouth flows with praise to Him, and I can thank Him in all circumstances. I can seek Him for wisdom, knowledge, and understanding. I can peacefully trust He is sovereign and His grace is beautiful. He is beautiful. And when something is beautiful, you don't throw it away or stomp it in the ground. Like flowers or a beautiful piece of art, you display it where all can see! You cherish it with your heart and that will be seen in your speech and in your actions.

(Jesus is all YOU need! Do you believe that?)