Inches are Inches for a Reason Part 2

There I sat, on the floor with the textbooks of all 6 subjects I would be teaching the following day, spread out and scattered about. The guys were used to this scene. They graciously opened their space to my pitiful student teaching mess often, and tonight we were all in the room together. Them, nose in a book or on their phones--me wondering how I would teach 6th grade history from a non-existent textbook and manage to write adequate reflections on every second of what had become the most trying semester of my entire college career.

In a fit of frustration, I spoke my concerns to my audience of 2. And so began the conversation which quickly went to the ever-so-lovely Public School vs. Homeschooling subject. Of which, I had become passionately homeschool minded. After all, my link to sanity in this degree was the understanding that all this "training" would prepare me to homeschool my own quiver-full of rugrats! Career was never on my list of prioritied. And in this student teaching position, I felt as though I was running in a hamster wheel. Constant movement and so much work with little to no distance covered and no clear measure of accomplishment. 

One of the guys happened to share most of the same opinions in the subject, but definitely not my second friend. He brought up some valid points to consider. We discussed the need for Christians in the Public School arena and how we ought to be in the world, not of the world. "If all the Christian abandon the schools then who will be teaching the next generation?" The wheels of my mind were spinning. How can we be lights in dark places if we are not in dark places?

Father brought to my mind the brokenness that existed in the families of just my 18 6th graders. My friend was right.

But I remember thinking and processing all I was going through as a student teacher and how when I am married one day, my ministry will be first to my husband and family. The thought of trying to balance family and teacher with all the demands of each screamed with impossibility! In my mind, 100% effort and the care or attention needed for each would be beyond my ability.

"That's not your concern, today." Father spoke to my heart. 

And then this friend asked the question, the one I had been pondering and seeking understanding for the last 4 years:

"Why in the world are you in school to become a teacher if you are so against public school?" 

And all at once, every thought of frustration and question and anything linked to this subject which has passed my mind in the previous 4years came rushing back! All.at.once!! 

I remember sitting in my college courses, attention diverted from the day's lecture as my thoughts exploded on the pages of my notebook in reaction to something said by my professors or the textbooks. "Remind me again, God, why you brought me here? I can't be a teacher! I hated public school when I was in it! And four walls, 8 hours a day? That's not how a kid should learn! And your saying each kid will have different needs. if they fail its my fault, right? even if I've done all I can and exhausted the limited resources, or they just gave up!?? This is such a broken system! I don't want to spend my life working in a broken system. ever fearful of speaking your name for threat of my job! Give me a mountain, fresh air, some grass...anything but the cage of a classroom! Let me teach where my hands aren't bound by a godless society" (Or something to that affect, recorded similarly on more than one occasion, just as dramatic, too).

So I gave my inquizative friend the only answer I had. The one that contained all the understanding Father had showed me to that point:

"I have no intention of making this my career. My desire is to be married and have children. But today, I am single and this is where God has called me to today. This is the task He gave me to complete. I have to remain obedient to what he has given me to do today. And today, that means I'm writing lesson plans for a classroom full of 6th graders." 

I've come to an understanding that Father has a sense of humor! Like I've stated in the previous blog entry, at this juncture in my life what I had maybe hoped for or envisioned my life would look like, looks slightly different then what is reality. 

Upon moving back to Virginia, I began working as a substitute for the local school system until The Lord provided a tutoring position at a local school. Broken system or not, there I was working in it!