...Can I Be Free of This Unreleasable Sin?

Completely haphazardly, as I was exploring the contents of my External Hardrive (which I recommend for anyone who does not have one of these to get one! They save so much space for your computer to run smoother and to keep your documents safe!), I came across this journal entry/freestyle poem I wrote last year...
______________________________
February 23, 2011

"Because I've known no other self,

should this refrain me from moving forward?

what if this forward motion would change everything?

should i pursue such uncertainty?

is it fear that holds me from going forward?

is it fear that has glued me to this mark?

Is it a lack of determination?

Is it laziness?

how can i rise above?

Can i break out of this never ending cycle?

What holds me back?

What is it within that limits me like a rubber band,

able to stretch and grow only to snap right back to what it was before,"

______________________________
During this time, I was in a serious point of what I have formerly liked to refer to as my "quest for health," but have since realized is the process of learning how to CRAVE God, not food. And I was apparently not in a very rosy season of the process.
Getting healthy, losing weight... these are things that have deeper roots than mere pounds to shed or inches to lose.
At the core of this process is a battle. It is one of flesh versus Spirit. A battle to turn to the Lord for comfort, for everything, instead of food. In fact, a book I recently came across, written by Lysa TerKeurst, sums it up just in its title: Made To Crave: Satisfying Your Deepest Desires with God Not Food. This journal entry above is the raw guts which flowed from one of many heart to heart moments with the Lord from throughout this journey.
As I read through these words, I am reminded of Romans 7, and of Pauls own battle of flesh and Spirit. His will vs. God's will.
"For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate."
(Romans 7:15 ESV)
Ok, GREAT! He relates, now what?
Well, as you continue reading in Romans 7...
"For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out." (Romans 7:18 ESV)
We can see from this that we, ourselves do not have the ability to do what is right, truly. Read of the sweet victory, and in whom that sweet victory is solely found in...
"So I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand. For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin."
(Romans 7:21-25 ESV)
and (at risk of losing any semblance of maturity), a song from long ago in my "Punk/Pop Rock" days still flows through my mind in moments of doubt, as if to be a reminder to "...never underestimate my Jesus. You're telling me that there's no hope, I'm telling you you're wrong. never underestimate my Jesus, when the world around you crumbles He will be strong." (Relient K)
So, if you can identify with Paul and I with this tension of flesh vs. Spirit...if it has ever dragged you down, beaten you up, left you for dead, discouraged, etc. Be encouraged!  You are not alone. and Praise Jesus for the VICTORY He has ALREADY accomplished on our behalf!  
Take one more look at that last verse with me. "So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind..."   If we are to serve the law of God with our minds, then we will recognize the importance of renewing our minds (Romans 12:1-2) and also see how this is done by "taking every thought captive to obey Christ." (2 Cor. 10:5)  (More on this in a future post, so stay tuned...) BUT Bluntly stated---> To serve the law of God with our minds we have to know the law of God.

So. CLAIM the Victory we ALREADY have in Christ, and get to reading HIS WORD!!!  Just practically, start with one or 2 verses that can be your "fighter verse."  
I'll close this with one last statement, this one is by Piper, may it serve to remind you of our adversary, the devil, and swiftly direct you to the only "force" Satan cannot reckon with. God's Word.
 "Memorizing Scripture allows me to hit the devil in the face, with a force he cannot resist to protect myself and my family from his assaults. What are you hitting him with?! He is millions of times stronger than you! And he hates you! And your family, and your marriage, and  this church and God. How anyone walks through this devil-ruled world without a sword in their hand is beyond me."

Why I NO LONGER participate in Yoga: more to follow

As I was reading through the past entries of my journals, and of this very blog from as much as a year ago, I came across something that I wish to clarify on and now state my stance as to why I NO LONGER participate in Yoga. There was a time, in this quest to become healthy and to honor God with my body, that I would do Yoga as a means to stretch, "refocus," "relax" and "breathe." I fooled myself, for a time, thinking that I could somehow be able to separate the roots of Yoga from the practice of Yoga. Please allow me the time briefly explain how separating Yoga from its Hindu roots is not possible.

I do wish to come back on here and really go in depth on the reasons that I have ceased to participate in "Yoga." Know that this is being written by one who has lived it, and quite frankly, knows that this may not be taken well by those who read. but for now, this must suffice in order to no longer allow time to retrain me from at least sharing with you the conclusion I have come to and what I believe the Lord has shown in His word.

The conclusion is this:
Yoga is rooted in Hinduistic beliefs. Each pose was created to be a form of worship to the gods of Hinduism. I am a Christian. I believe that the Bible is the inerrant word of God, I believe in the existence of ONE Triune God. Worship and honor and glory belongs to God alone. There is no way to separate the roots of Yoga from this animistic-polytheistic belief system, therefore to say that I am a Christian (believing there is only ONE God who deserves all glory, honor, praise and worship) and practice in anything that is rooted in worshiping and idolizing anything contrary to what Scripture says, I would be a liar and with my actions, I would be claiming my God to be a liar. God is NOT a liar.

"“Romans 12:1-2 says we are to offer our bodies as a living sacrifice to God,” added Laurette. “Here they are doing something very similar with these postures to their 330 million gods, and it is scary. So we abstain from things offered to idols—Acts 15:29.”" (Bagby)

It is impossible to be a Christian and participate in Yoga without grieving the Spirit in the process. As part of the work Christ does in our life in revealing His truth to us by His grace is the transformation that takes place through the "renewing of our minds" (Romans 12:1-2). Don't be ignorant to the effect your actions have on how you display Christ. Learn from my mistakes, be informed- seek the Lord in prayer, read scripture, heed conviction and warnings, seek godly council, repent and do not be the cause of the Spirit's grief.

For more information, check out these articles:
"Should Christians Practice Yoga?" By Jeremy Butler
"Should Christians Do Yoga?" By Laura J. Bagby

I leave you with this quote to consider:
"The Only Thing Necessary For Evil to Triumph is for Good Men to do Nothing" -- Edmund Burke

Entry 2: Tamed

Gentle and Meek
that is what i hope to one day be.
no longer wild
like a bronco
filled with energy that spreads as chaos around me.
but instead- my energized being will be
channeled and tamed for a purpose.
For HIS PURPOSE.
which Christ has called me to.
NOT driven by my flesh and its desires.
YES, gentle and meek in spirit are skills I long to acquire.

Musings of Recent Days

There are moments in my life where the Lord pops an idea, a connection or illustration involving the things around me to the thoughts in my head. He so graciously shows me beautiful connections, visuals involving His creation or the various things that I encounter in life and grants me deeper understanding of a life lesson through the illustration that He has played out before me. Many times, I am simply left in awe of the picture. tears or giggles result. Words can sometimes never seem to to truly express what it is that I have just been shown. But, there are times when it becomes more than a fleeting thought or hapless memory and He provides the words to lock in the beauty of how He is teaching me.
I then have 2 choices: I can keep these things to myself (call it selfish-hoarding His guidance for myself as it if were only ever meant for solely me; or call it humility-which is not truly humility because though it may mean I do not have confidence in my own writings, I still have not recognized that it was not of myself that I was even able to write them) OR I can share them with others, and pray that the Lord would use them as HE sees fit in His will to do (maybe to give comfort, to challenge others, to encourage others, or as an example of what NOT to DO/How NOT to be...)
So, upon approaching this crossroad, I have decided this: Any words that the Lord enables me to compile into some semblance of sense to relate what He is teaching and showing me through illustrations or in anyway that could connect or make sense to another individual and possibly aid in their better understanding of the Lord and how He moves in our lives, I will post.
(And that was a really LONG run-on sentence...my English professor would be flabbergasted)

Here is Entry 1. It has no name as of yet, feel free to suggest one :)

Night sounds and this seemingly endless cloud.
Your thoughts are MUCH HIGHER THAN OURS, Lord.
and it seems as though i cannot even wrap my mind around.
these times, when the full strand of images and words and
pieces of the puzzle remain in a pile.
that has been dumped.
from a box.
which contains a picture that i just can.not.see.CLEARLY!

I search for the edges,
try to find the frame
BUT its like i have no aim.
The picture, in pieces before me is so unclear
that i can't even see.
the IMPRESSIONIST.
who takes some color and spreads it out,
claiming to know exactly what HE wishes to convey.

BUT with my face nose-to-nose with the mix of
RED and PURPLE, BLUE and GREEN,
I just can't seem to see what the artist has seen.
and now this picture,
this image,
this vision,
it's in pieces before me.
Leaving me to wonder about what I cannot see.
(copyright: BC 2012)

ThirtyOneWall

Because the fact stands that I have greatly neglected this blog, I highly doubt anyone still reads what I have to say. I am ok with that. If, however, there are those who have been on the edge of their seat for months waiting for the next post then you may notice there is a change. I have changed the site title to "thirtyonewall" from its original "bigtoechic" title.
there are a few reasons and here they are:

1. There is a level of maturity that seemed to me to be lacking in the previous title.


2. "ThirtyOne" represents Proverbs 31, the example and image of what a Godly woman looks like, the kind of woman I seek to glean from and model my life after.


3. "Wall" is a reference to the woman mentioned in Song of Soloman 8:8-9. The woman who is like a wall shall be fortified with a battlement of silver, referencing that she is not loose or vulnerable to manipulation (wolves in sheeps clothing) or danger because she is guarded and has set her boundries, holding firmly to them. yet another goal of mine, I pray the Lord would teach me, mold me, stretch me, grow me, and shape me more and more with each day to be the woman He has called me to be. That I may bring Him honor and glory and also that I may honor my future husband in all my days, even now.

These are the musings of a young woman learning more each day about Biblical Womanhood. I am unsure of what will continue to fill this blog, or how often I will post. I hope that, if there are readers, you would be able to learn from what I am learning and share on here your journey as well.

What is lost (and I Hope to Never Find!)

Here is an update:
Today, I weigh in at 178lbs. I have managed to maintain around this weight through the chaos and stress of finals and winter break. This is God's faithfulness and mercy and grace revealed. He alone is the reason I have been able to lose 82#'s.

{"lose," "lost," "am loosing," these terms are connected in relation to weight. I believe I do not intend to "find" these #'s again, so "shed," "remove," "rid self of," These are terms that seem to say it so much better. :) }

The Knots of Life

Here marks 6 days before my last regular semester of BCF starts. I am sitting in my RD suite, typing away in the empty time pondering. Pondering? Can I really call it "pondering" if there is not a set subject on my mind?
I feel as though I have mentally been in a cloud since the completion of the Fall Semester and now a new semester begins.
My thoughts are as a knot. Tangled and taught, and I am unsure of where to begin in order to successfully untangle the bunch. God has been working, moving, visibly active in my life over this time. In my desire to not neglect full comprehension of the lessons to learn I believe I have managed to build the knot even more. Day to day, I am taught more, shown more, love more... and I've yet to unpack what has been displayed before me to this point. In fear of doing a disservice to these lessons so they were not in vain, I have done just that. It is time to unpack, unravel, and delve into it all!
For tomorrow I will complete the welcoming of new girls to Napier, nine in total for this semester. And the remainder of Napier will be here by Sunday. The semester will begin, more days will pass, more lessons will daily be added to the knot and the opportunities to use what the Lord has been showing and teaching me will pass.
I cannot let this pass.
I look forward to reminising on each way God's faithfullness, soveriegnty, grace, love, mercy, justice, etc. have been displayed.