Paint and Questions from the Littles

Paint in hand, I was caught at the door way.

"Do you even want to get married, Becky?" asked my seven year old friend. 

 "Where is this question coming from?" I giggled, having been startled by the abrupt way she approached this subject. (Silly me, I thought we were painting. What about painting could have possibly brought on this question? Clearly it was something on her mind, though.) This subject usually stops me dead in my tracks and hits the core of my heart--though the ones asking are usually under the age of 10. In these moments, I'm reminded of Peter and his denial of Christ at the question of a little child.  A child's curiosity will lead them to ask whatever question is on their mind. They have curiosity without fear; something I admire greatly. But sometimes their questions hit to the core in a way they can't even comprehend, yet.

I came to the conclusion in my mind that my young friend doesn't fully understand that weight of the question she just asked. She's just asking a question. No pretense, just pure curiosity. Still, the question, regardless of who it is being asked by, feels like a test...like a pop quiz...I hate pop quizzes. 

After all, I say I trust God. So this is an invitation to respond to a different question--Do I trust God in this moment to speak the truth over my heart and over hers right now? Because maybe what my friend is asking, but doesn't realize, is whether there are things in life that we can't trust God for? 

My friend continues, "Well, you just...I don't know, you just don't seem like the marrying type."

(If anyone else had been in the room with us, I'm sure they'd have seen my eyes bug out of my sockets. What in the world??? Deep breathes. This child loves you and means NOTHING of harm to you. She is reporting on what she has observed...Take a deep breath. I prayed in the moment-- two words. HELP ME. and it was in the next few moments that the Lord came and comforted my heart)

the inner dialogue of that moment became something like this...Is that the person I put off to others? Really? Hold on...This could be a good thing! Does this mean that it's contentedness that others see? My friend here is not the first to ask me this question. How is it that my deepest of desires is not even known by any of these? Why are people shocked when I answer them that I DO desire marriage? 

Lord, does this mean that my life displays to others a heart contented and trusting YOU?? 

Surely this is an act of You, GOD ALMIGHTY because You know how many tears have flowed--in that secret time with You, when I'm honest and needy, needing you to speak Your truth over my heart. When I'm crying out for Your grace to hold me in Your arms. When it's taking every ounce of my being to choose to take refuge in You and choose to trust Your plan, and choose to trust that JESUS IS SUFFICIENT! 

Wow! Could it be that what my friend is seeing is the power of Christ grace in me. Wow. I hope that's what it is. God, You are good. 

I smiled, took a breath, and answered my friend. "I do want to be married, friend. But God has not decided it is time. I'm trusting Him to make that call."

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This is not always easy. 

I've been tempted to entertain the affections of men who have shown interest in me, even knowing I'd never marry them. To entertain these affections would be unloving to these men, my brothers in Christ. 

I've been questioned by family members of my "sexual orientation" simply because of choosing to not date around or have sex. (These conversations have provided a great platform to share the gospel with my family, and others, so--that's a WIN!) Sex is not the answer to loneliness. being in a relationship does not cure us from loneliness or somehow increase our value as a human being, either. Those are both lies from the enemy. 

I've also been told I'm too stubborn or not doing enough--not "putting myself out there" enough. And I've been tempted to try to be the one to pursue a man. 

Truth is, I am stubborn and independent. But I think those are graces from the Lord that help me wait on his timing and trust that Christ is sufficient. If I'm called to marry, call me old-fashioned or prudent (which by the way, means wise), the Lord will direct the man to pursue and the Lord will guide us. 

At the end of the day---> If all the littles in my life, and all my single friends or whomever is observing, look at my days on earth and conclude that JESUS is ENOUGH, then PRAISE be to THE LORD!! All these single days would be worth it.

If they can see, through my life, that Christ, NOT MAN, makes them whole-- then BRING on the awkward conversations! 

Jesus is BETTER!! He will cause our hearts to believe this. 

Confessions from a Recovering Work-aholic: Expectations that Squelch the Mesage of the Gospel

TO DELETE or NOT...That is the question: I've written from time to time on this blog of mine for years, yet I highly doubt anyone actually reads it. Through working at a camp, beginning college, working through goals, lamenting over failed attempts and setting new goals, crying over college-induced stress, times of circumstance-induced stress, homesickness (something I never thought I'd experience), etc. This blog has been a record of some of the journey. When I re-read posts, my own immaturity beams from some of my early writings and I ask "should I delete this, now? the immaturity, and stumbling along the way, its all in print...this is embarrassing." 

However, I've resolved to leave the script as it is. I cannot change the past and it's in reflection of the past that the Lord continues to sharpen and equip me for obedience in the day I happen to be living at this given time. And so I think it is supposed to be. Perhaps, in leaving the past exposed, any who read could find comfort knowing we really are ALL people in need of changed hearts and renewed minds, and this happening in us daily. 

If we hit a proverbial "delete" button on our past, what would the perceived image of our lives, presented to people who meet us today, look like? Who would be exalted?  I have had too many conversations with others struggling to be vulnerable-shoot...I have been one struggling to be vulnerable- because there is this perceived image of what it looks like to follow Christ, this image that does more to reflect and promote self accomplishments than Gospel-changed hearts. The more quiet I have been about how the Gospel has changed me through my life, the more the message of the Power of the Gospel has been silenced in my life and relationships. And not just from the world around me, but also from myself. 


Consumed by Self-imposed Expectations: I think that too often we as a people, as individuals, focus too much on instant change.  While I cannot speak for you, I can speak of how my own ideals have been so sky high and "right" in my own understanding that the pursuit of these ideals has consumed me. My time, energy, resources have been spent shaping various ideals that were really idols fashioned by my human sized hands and set before God to "Check off/approve of." 

I used to press on towards an image of false perfection. A pursuit that only left me choking on my own self-consumed, legalistic, idealistic expectations that I thought would qualify me to receive the fulfillment of my dreams.   But, knowing the nature of my plans...Isaiah 55 pretty much blows that mentality out of the water...making it null and void when Isaiah records this: 

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts,

neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD.

For as the heavens are higher than the earth, 

so are my ways higher than your ways

and my thoughts than your thoughts."

(Isaiah 55:8-9 ESV)

These words of truth appear on the screen before me and I feel like a hypocrite for even typing them because as removed from my pursuit of perfection as the Holy Spirit has brought me, the bend toward idealistic expectations shows its ugly face in my life when my eyes are off Christ. And that happens more than I'd care to admit. 
In a mind consumed with ideals, it would be IDEAL to write about a struggle AFTER I have conquered the battle (which is really just PRIDE) rather than be vulnerable (which is HUMILITY). And since my life is meant to SHOW the message of Christ to a world already choking on its way to hell, the way of vulnerability and humility is REALLY the only option I have.  


MARTHA or MARY:  There is another aspect of having unrealistic expectations that can keep us from loving one another, and also distract us from spending time with Christ. 
In Luke 10: 38-42 Luke gives an account involving Jesus and two sisters, Martha and Mary. 
Martha was a busy bee, working, working...she hardly rested and she resented her sister for not joining her efforts. Mary chose the better portion, she sat at the feet of Jesus and soaked in every moment she could to be in His presence. She wasn't concerned about dishes or appearances. She was solely concerned with being near to Jesus.

During different seasons of my life, friends of mine have kindly pointed out that my own expectations are bound to choke me.  

Are you there, too?  We are all stumbling along in this life thing. None of us are going to be perfect (not until the day we are united with Christ and His righteousness is once and for all rested on us who have submitted to Him).

So what are we to do until then? How do we go through life, juggle between our plans and dreams and the way HE decides our path with look like?
Well. 
We don't stop dreaming. But we do submit our ideas to His ultimate authority and choosing. 
We don't stop planning. But we do trust that as we work out our plans, He may redirect us. 
We don't stop moving forward. But we do humbly say "I'm ready to flex and change gears as you decide which steps I should take." 
We don't cower in the corner. But we do CHOOSE to TRUST HIM. (I'm typing this out as words to my own heart that is needing the reminder)
We don't give up. We "press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." 
We don't work for our salvation. We repent and believe that Christ death and resurrection are sufficient for our salvation--that there is NOTHING in us that could have made us right before God. Only the righteousness of Jesus. WE REST at the feet of our savior.
and
We don't compare our journey to that of our neighbor's. Instead, we focus on our hearts before the Lord and the doing of what he has called each of us to do. Love God by obeying Him. Love God by loving our neighbors. Love God by doing all we do in our lives as though HIS GLORY in what we do is our main goal. Love God by celebrating the grace He has given in our neighbor's life. Love God by realizing we each have a unique assignment given us by God--none more important than the next. Love God by living a life of gratitude.

Awakening

"Oh my soul, wait on The Lord."

Discontentment wiggles its way in my heart with each thought not surrendered to my Jesus. It's likely to choke my life of joy and it's so hard to breathe. 

I just woke in a panic. My mind was racing in a dream and the dream became so real, I woke. 

Today is a gift, not a curse. Today is filled with opportunity to confess my discontent thoughts, repent of this desire to control my life and plan my own days. Today is full of opportunity to live in this humbleness before The Lord and before man. I don't see all that God is doing in my life. There's alot of covert operative work that none of us can see, but His word promises that all of these things are being worked for our good and his ultimate Glory--that our lives would be shaped and molded to be more like Christ. 

I believe this. I believe God has plans for my days on earth. I believe He does see and know the deepest desires and dreams of my heart. And I believe He will continue to work in my heart and life, providing for my needs & teaching me to trust His plan. He will weed out the things that my heart tries to find satisfaction in. He will strip my life of all that keeps me from treasuring Him. He will do this because He loves me. 

So when I fumble through the days, the nights that are sometimes even more difficult, I'll remind myself of what His word says. 

"But godliness with contentment is great gain, for we brought nothing into the world, and we cannot take anything out of the world." 1 Timothy 6:6-7

"For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from him. 

He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be shaken. On God rests my salvation and my glory; my mighty rock, my refuge is God. Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before him; God is a refuge for us." Psalm 62:5-8

"The fear of the LORD leads to life;  then one rests content, untouched by trouble." Proverbs 19:23

"His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of him who called us to his own glory and excellence,

by which he has granted to us his precious and very great promises, so that through them you may become partakers of the divine nature, having escaped from the corruption that is in the world because of sinful desire.

For this very reason, make every effort to supplement your faith with virtue, and virtue with knowledge,

and knowledge with self-control, and self-control with steadfastness, and steadfastness with godliness,

and godliness with brotherly affection, and brotherly affection with love.

For if these qualities are yours and are increasing, they keep you from being ineffective or unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.

For whoever lacks these qualities is so nearsighted that he is blind, having forgotten that he was cleansed from his former sins.

Therefore, brothers, be all the more diligent to confirm your calling and election, for if you practice these qualities you will never fall.

For in this way there will be richly provided for you an entrance into the eternal kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ." 2 Peter 1:3-11

46 Hours to Go

I go back and forth in my mind. Hard to believe in 2 days I'll be flying over the Atlantic, past Côte d'Ivoire and the Mediterranean Sea, land in the Middle East and then over to South Asia the following day. I know it's only for 17 days, and that's like a blink in the grand scheme of time...but I'm in awe. His thoughts, His plans...so much better! 

Pray for our team. Pray for our focus. Pray the Gospel is central to every aspect  of the trip...in how we interact with one another, in how me react to situations that may arise, in our speech, our thoughts, in just everything! 

The overlooked moments

Karen was a 15 year old girl who heard the gospel for the first time the week we visited her village in the Andes. And she wanted to learn more, she wanted a copy of God's word that she could share with her friend, so they could learn together. 

God provided a copy for her that week, though we didnt have one to give from our team. I'll never forget her hunger for the word. And I'll never forget what God taught me on those 5minutes that lingered for eternity- that spsn of time betweeb when we didnt have a Bible to give her and when The Lord provided. 

His word was not a treasure to me. I had infinite access to multiple translations, and taken it for granted that not only was the Bible at my fingertips back home, but it was also in my heart-language! I could pick it up and read it and understand it. 

For hundreds of people groups, that is not the case. Their heart language may not have a Bible translated--or even more then that, their language may not even have a written code for a Bible to be translated in. 

And, similar to Karen, there are over 6,000 people groups worldwide who have never heard the gospel, never heard the salvific message of Christ. And they will live their whole lives & eventually die without ever having the opportunity to hear the name of Jesus and his gospel. 

Will you pray for translators and pray for these people groups to hear and receive the gospel. Will you adopt a people group to pray for and adopt. as a family of church body, & even send teams, or go youself, to engage the people with the gospel?? 

And will you pray that you and I would be obedient to share the gospel with anyone we encounter this week? Right in the midst of our everyday-mundane moments, God has prepared the way for us to share His truth with someone. Ask him to show you His heart in your every moment. 

Tuesday is 3 Weeks Away

I was one of those adventurers who claimed their "adventures" and still pretty much kept to the safest and most familiar. South Asia never quite made it to my list of ideal destinations. Not for lack of seeing beautiful pictures or hearing captivating stories. Friends served over there. Their blogs were filled with well written pieces of how God was at work in their midst. Still, somehow the map I looked at excluded South Asia. Too many stories of real suffering and too much fear...not enough love. Let's be real. There was NO love.
Fascination with cultural differences does not equate to real, authentic GOSPEL LOVE. Fascination with another culture is not enough to thrust me out of my comfort zone into places with out control and with out "safety."

Gospel Love knows the grace of salvific love found in CHRIST and out of that love is compelled to see that all would know Christ no matter the personal cost for a two-fold purpose: 1. for Christ to be exalted and praised from every tribe tongue and nation. and 2. because we know the love we've received, we should hope that all would know that same love.

I don't stand alone in this. I'm not the only Christian in the world...in America...in Northern Virginia...who has chosen safe routes and made excuses for not even sharing the gospel with my neighbors.

The up-to-date news has come about once a month since October and who (but God) knew reading some emails would come to this. This change in heart, this shift of focus... To sitting 3 weeks away from boarding a plane to meet a world 9hours & 45minutes in the future. To take a minuscule part, with 3 others from my home church, in God's BIG PICTURE purpose of seeing no place left. No place left where the gospel has not been heard, no place left where the people have not had even the opportunity to have access to the gospel.

God knew. He knew, and has a plan to reform each of our minds. That what is important to His heart would be important to ours. His gospel proclaimed. His name the fame of every tribe, tongue, and nation. 

  



 

South Asia Update 1

As I mentioned in the previous post, there is a team from Pillar heading to South Asia this Fall! There are 3 of us who will be leaving VA on September 16, and returning October 2.

I have been so blessed and encouraged this week by the comments and support of family and friends as many have ordered the customizable journals and HUGE deal, in just 4 days after posting the first word on this trip and the needs, God provided the funds for the plane ticket through the generosity of a sweet, sweet family :) 

Thank you so very much, we are booking  the tickets on Monday- which makes this REAL!! Wow!!

Praise The Lord for:

1. Providing the ticket funds. 

2. The encouragement/support and sacrificial giving of his Children! 

Please pray for: 

1. The team God is sending. 

2. The $ for in-country expenses as well as for ministry aid for our missionary contact. 

3.The $ for our other team members as they fund raise out work and save. 

4. That I would lean into Christ more and more, trusting Him to provide and guide.

5. Another female to join the team. 

Here is how you can help: 

1. Pre-hire me To babysit, housesit, clean, walk your dog, paint a fence, anytime during the month August. 

2. Sponsor a day's expenses for the trip: $50 covers lodging, food, & in city travel for one day.  (We will be in country 13 days)

3. Sponsor the cost of the visa: $60 

4. Sponsor an interpreter for a day: ($10 per day, 13 days)

 

All donations are tax-deductible.

You can donate online at www.pillardumfries.com/support click on the mission fund button.

Or mail a check memo-ed "Castle South Asia Mission Trip" to 

Pillar Church

PO Box 622

Dumfries Va 22026

I will update the progress of support as funds come in.

Total funds raised as of Today: $1580 

South Asia Bound

Well, family and friends...not really sure anyone knows this blog exists, but as I begin this next endeavor, I thought I would blog about each step along the way. 

A public documentation of how The Lord provides, to encourage you the reader, and me the one who often needs to be reminded to trust God as He directs my steps...(I can be quite stubborn). 

In September, Lord willing, I will head to South Asia with a team from Pillar to work alongside a friend serving there. Helping to train and disciple new believers. 

We will be there from September 16-October 2. 

Please pray for: 

1. The team God is sending. 

2. The $ for travel as well as for ministry aid for our missionary contact. 

3. That I would lean into Christ more and more, trusting Him to provide and guide.

4. Another female to join the team. 

Here is how you can help: 

1. Pre-hire me To babysit, housesit, clean, walk your dog, paint a fence, anytime during the month Of August. (Pay before hand and secure a date, this will help with purchase of plane ticket- ~$1200-$1400; a $500 deposit is needed at this time). 

2. Sponsor a day's expenses for the trip: $50 covers lodging, food, & in city travel for one day.  (We will be in country 13 days)

3. Sponsor the cost of the visa: $60

4. Sponsor an interpreter for a day: ($10 per day, 13 days)

 

All donations are tax-deductible.

You can donate online at www.pillardumfries.com/support click on the mission fund button.

Or mail a check memo-ed "Castle Southeast Asia Mission Trip" to 

Pillar Church

PO Box 622

Dumfries Va 22026

I will update the progress of support as funds come in.

 As of today: $80

I wonder, who can relate?

Words from this Journey

September 1, 2013 1:50pm

I wonder who can relate? 

I can vaguely remember the scenario which envoked this writing. And we did eventually talk, but most of the healing came from The Lord working conviction of pride, repentance & forgiveness in my heart and enabling me to love out of His grace and not my own strength. Perhaps someone else could relate and choose to trust God heal and restore all brokenness through repentance & crying out to Jesus. 

------------------------------

Like a gaping wound Is my heart today. Sin exposed for what it is. my flesh and the Spirit within fight. 

I cry out Your name but I feel so vain. 

Useless for Your glory.

 Frustrated by the fight. 

I can't see clearly, 

am I wrong or am I right?

God please show me!! 

Show me Your truth. 

Show me who You are. 

Draw me closer to you.

I know you are near, not at all far. 

----------------------------------

Small talk is painful. 

Can we please just dive in? 

Can we skip the formalities and understand, 

understand that you and I you and I are friends. 

No, family. 

family tied closer than that of blood,

 we are family of soul. 

the kind that lasts and is not momentary as these days of earth pass. 

can we understand that Time is fleeting, 

a vapor in the wind 

and all that really matters is who's within. 

This talk of weather and cleaning and the mundane, 

it wretches my soul and just leaves me feeling lame.

 Please, o please! 

Can we talk of Jesus and rejoice together in His name?

Yet I know the wall 

and I see the shame 

that even keeps me from ending this game. 

It's pride. it's sin. 

Jesus, forgive me. 

I confess my sin of pride and flesh

I confess I've chosen to defame Your name as I disobediently refused to be humbled.

Help me, Lord. 

Needy and weary I come to you. 

I choose now to forgive and seek restoration

To love and have a tenderized heart. 

But not in strength of my own hands, 

Only, dear Lord, by your grace and the power of Your Name.

Am I able? Will I fail?

Am I able? Will I fail? 

February 11, 2014

Worry and fear will cripple you.  An old lesson that i clearly continue to face, and desperately pray I will be able to respond differently toward with each new encounter 

It was a daunting fear mingled with excitement that day in the summer of '07. In a different country and faced by the prospect of hiking to the summit of a mountain, my mind raced. thrilled to embark on an adventure, in another country, in nature, at the youthfully fresh age of 18. yet thoughts of fear threatened to steal my gaze from the thrill, dwelling instead on the task with dread. not quite at my heaviest at that point, because over that summer i had lost at least 15lbs, i was still obese and woefully out of shape. Especially compared to my team, which consisted of 5 athletes, and myself. And there I was, at a cross roads of making the decision to be locked into being controlled by fear, or facing the challenge and pressing forward.  How would I know my limits unless I tried? Who by simply staring at a mountain actually succeeded in reaching the summit? 

It's the same with facing fears.

Is the Lord calling you to do something you feel completely inadequate for? Do you fear failure? 

Facing your fears knowing Who, namely the Lord,is leading you will surely end in victory. He will not call us to a task that He will not provide strength and grace to accomplish. We are called to walk by faith and trust Him for the results. 

"Self, Take it one step at a time. One decision at a time. Just one moment at a time. 

Repent of your worry and fear, humbly acknowledge that He is in control and that you need Him, then simply press on in obedience with the next task. Worry not about what others my think or say, be only concerned with the opinion of God Almighty. He is Worthy. 

Sincerely, 

The burnt dreamer crying out for healing 

Inches are Inches for a Reason Part 2

There I sat, on the floor with the textbooks of all 6 subjects I would be teaching the following day, spread out and scattered about. The guys were used to this scene. They graciously opened their space to my pitiful student teaching mess often, and tonight we were all in the room together. Them, nose in a book or on their phones--me wondering how I would teach 6th grade history from a non-existent textbook and manage to write adequate reflections on every second of what had become the most trying semester of my entire college career.

In a fit of frustration, I spoke my concerns to my audience of 2. And so began the conversation which quickly went to the ever-so-lovely Public School vs. Homeschooling subject. Of which, I had become passionately homeschool minded. After all, my link to sanity in this degree was the understanding that all this "training" would prepare me to homeschool my own quiver-full of rugrats! Career was never on my list of prioritied. And in this student teaching position, I felt as though I was running in a hamster wheel. Constant movement and so much work with little to no distance covered and no clear measure of accomplishment. 

One of the guys happened to share most of the same opinions in the subject, but definitely not my second friend. He brought up some valid points to consider. We discussed the need for Christians in the Public School arena and how we ought to be in the world, not of the world. "If all the Christian abandon the schools then who will be teaching the next generation?" The wheels of my mind were spinning. How can we be lights in dark places if we are not in dark places?

Father brought to my mind the brokenness that existed in the families of just my 18 6th graders. My friend was right.

But I remember thinking and processing all I was going through as a student teacher and how when I am married one day, my ministry will be first to my husband and family. The thought of trying to balance family and teacher with all the demands of each screamed with impossibility! In my mind, 100% effort and the care or attention needed for each would be beyond my ability.

"That's not your concern, today." Father spoke to my heart. 

And then this friend asked the question, the one I had been pondering and seeking understanding for the last 4 years:

"Why in the world are you in school to become a teacher if you are so against public school?" 

And all at once, every thought of frustration and question and anything linked to this subject which has passed my mind in the previous 4years came rushing back! All.at.once!! 

I remember sitting in my college courses, attention diverted from the day's lecture as my thoughts exploded on the pages of my notebook in reaction to something said by my professors or the textbooks. "Remind me again, God, why you brought me here? I can't be a teacher! I hated public school when I was in it! And four walls, 8 hours a day? That's not how a kid should learn! And your saying each kid will have different needs. if they fail its my fault, right? even if I've done all I can and exhausted the limited resources, or they just gave up!?? This is such a broken system! I don't want to spend my life working in a broken system. ever fearful of speaking your name for threat of my job! Give me a mountain, fresh air, some grass...anything but the cage of a classroom! Let me teach where my hands aren't bound by a godless society" (Or something to that affect, recorded similarly on more than one occasion, just as dramatic, too).

So I gave my inquizative friend the only answer I had. The one that contained all the understanding Father had showed me to that point:

"I have no intention of making this my career. My desire is to be married and have children. But today, I am single and this is where God has called me to today. This is the task He gave me to complete. I have to remain obedient to what he has given me to do today. And today, that means I'm writing lesson plans for a classroom full of 6th graders." 

I've come to an understanding that Father has a sense of humor! Like I've stated in the previous blog entry, at this juncture in my life what I had maybe hoped for or envisioned my life would look like, looks slightly different then what is reality. 

Upon moving back to Virginia, I began working as a substitute for the local school system until The Lord provided a tutoring position at a local school. Broken system or not, there I was working in it! 

Inches are Inches for a Reason

Have you heard the expression "give them an inch, they will take a mile" before? This age old saying is as true today as it was when it was first said long ago (though I really don't know who said it or how long ago it really is). I see this most in the lives of those lovely angels in the classroom. Children are in an ever increasing state of testing the waters and so often, though not always, if you lax on your rules they will try to see how far they can go in their new boundary lines. Or if you treat them in small ways, they will shoot for all the bells and whistles!

But we as adults are not excluded from this boundary-testing or want-of-more state of mind. At least, I know I'm not. In my relationship with Christ, specifically in this time of determining what His plan for my life is, I see this clearly. He shows me an inch of His plan for my life and I kick and scream wanting to see the whole mile mapped out before me.

Since graduating from BCF this past December (2012), and moving back to Virginia, I have been in this state of wondering what will come next while trying to faithfully serve here where Father has placed me, and somehow unpack my mind of some hefty questions. Father has faithfully continued to teach me more of His character and has blessed me with so much soul family who teach, challenge, and encourage me DAILY.

My heart, however, has fought to remain content. I have often been inwardly as a toddler, throwing tantrums and giving Father the silent treatment (as though He didn't already know my thoughts before they flowed through my noggin). And the more of His character I learn, the more I cannot deny the filth of my sin in fighting his plan. It is perfect, it is good. I know this to be true, and yet I've so blatantly folded my hands and turned my back to him, nose to the sky, pouty lip pooched out to show him how dissatisfied I am with what I can see of this plan.

By this time of my life, I had imagined several scenarios: Married, serving alongside my husband in some far off mountain land, or running an orphanage in a jungle somewhere. Or perhaps hiking the Appalachian Trail, winning nomads and hippies to Jesus. Never did I once think...(no wait, that's a lie. I did think briefly think that Father could send me back to my homeplace...but I shrugged that thought...nightmare off as nonsense)...it seemed highly unlikely to be what He would choose.

Somehow over time in the conclusion of my senior year of school, the idea of going home actually became enticing. Father caused my heart to actually long to return to Virginia. Though Florida had had its charm, my time there had concluded, and it was clear coming home would be the best solution. This newly developed longing to be with my soul family at Pillar was truly what brought me home, and eagerly. But my hearts contentment had been displaced through events in November. And though Father continued to draw me close to Him, I let myself continue to believe lies of his character and let resentment grow in my heart towards Him for this new "turn in the road" that I did not approve of.

Outwardly I have tried to step one foot forward at a time and do all I possibly can to stay busy doing good. "I don't want to talk to you right now, Father! I just can't handle this right now. I don't understand why I am here. I don't understand and yes, I realize you will provide understanding, but I just don't have time to talk to you. I've got to figure this out on my own. Cause you're way just is not working for me!"

That's the grieving words I would say in my core to Father each time he would whisper softly to me. I ceased communing with him, sure I'd read his words but they weren't life breathing, truth to my soul. They were just mere words on a page, and not much more. I was overcome by fear, waiting for what I didn't believe or trust He would give me. The desires of my heart...the ones He had sown in my soul. This is pride, this is rebellion. This is me saying I am entitled to something when really, all we are given is His grace to us.

Do you see the disease of arrogance? How it creeps in? How it can erode the senses of what was once so sweet and true? 

He would draw me away from the chaos of the days I had managed to fill with more ways to serve and less time to spend as His Love. He would lead me to a mountain peak, or a forest deep. Then there was a hammocks rest, in a night under the stars. This wrestle of flesh and spirit...my love pursuing me. Despite my anger, confusion, arrogance, irritation...(all of which were completely displaced and linked to thoughts and understandings completely not consistent with the true nature and character of my Jesus) my love PURSUED me.

And He wasn't just going to stop with these spits of refreshment, where on the mountain peak, in forest deep or swinging on a hammock beneath His stars, He drew me near and sweet confession was birthed from the pangs of his gentle conviction. No, he didn't stop there with just the sweet sips of His grace which began to return life to my weary-from-fighting soul with each humbling moment.

"Father, I have been foolish. I know you have a plan. I know it is good. I need your help and strength to trust You. I need your help to be content."

...Stay tuned...part 2 coming soon. 

Dear Hurting Ones

Dear hurting ones, 

With clenched fists, we hold the broken shards of shattered clay. Shaking in each others faces, fury growing when all we see is each others disgrace. and clenching tighter with every emotion filled, narcissistic thought, the wounds go deeper and deeper. A pool of blood and clay pieces fills our even tighter grasp. Infection sets in. The adrenaline powered endurance is strengthened by our hurt and anger. Despite the immense pain throbbing in our hand, we refuse to let go, to loosen our grip and let the very thing infecting and hurting us drop to the floor. Healing can't come until we let go of what is causing the pain. 

Shaking our heads at truth, we obstinately refuse to recognize we are just as broken as who we claim has harmed us or done us wrong. We have been and are the shards which grieve and pain the very one who created us, who sent His son, who died for our own broken mess. We are each broken clay needing to be molded by the eternal potter, creator. 

When will we individually stop shaking our fists full of clay shards? When will we understand our own brokenness and be moved to compassion toward the other broken clays? 

When will we cease clenching tighter, breaking and cutting more and more and instead let the pieces fall to the ground? Out of our hands and at the disposal of the potter, the one true God, to mold and reshape. 

We are stubborn. "That broken clay doesn't deserve to be remolded, fixed, reshaped!" We shout this with anger and pain filled tears flowing from our eyes. 

But it's this thinking that proves we believe we are somehow different from the other broken clay. 

Let go, already! Let go! Stop being so narcissistic and realize the truth. 

Recognize who you really are and how in need of Christ YOU are! 

Let the healing begin!!! 

And like peroxide on an open wound bubbles and removes the dirt and infection, so the Grace of Christ flows over all the deep heart and soul wounds, bubbling and removing all that was claiming our joy and claiming our peace. Joy and peace that come only from knowing Christ and this cross. 

Sincerely,

Clay Sister

Untangling via Honesty

These are the things the Lord is teaching me lately:

1. What causes the biggest grief can also source great joy
2. But there are times when caution produced by grief hinders me from moving forward...
3. Especially when I choose to push the issue aside & ignore it.
4. Prayer is a battlefield and I am the soldier cowering up in a tree most of the time.
5. Acknowledging #4 to be true sickens me.
6. So comforted to know that God's faithfulness has no limit, knows no cowardice, and will always work to bring about His ultimate plan and purpose. 

Eucharisteo

There is a blog I frequently read, aholyexperience.com
Ann Voskamp is the blogger and she happens to also be the author of a book called "1000 Gifts." in this book, she discusses her battle to reclaim joy via a journey of discovering that the grace of God is displayed all around us, all the time. And in thanking God for all the grace pockets, true, lasting joy is attainable
I have not finished the book, but I have taken one of the quotes from the book and used it in a project which I made for a dear friend & mentor who I am very grateful to have known and been taught by.

Wood burning became a hobby of mine a few years ago. I am slowly learning and rarely have the time to work on it, but it is always an enjoyable pastime of mine--scent of burning wood + thrill of creating something new and unknown= beautiful.

Tuned for His Glory

I hear the notes of my favorite hymn flowing in my mind as I read the lyrics on the page of a book I’ve selected randomly from the shelves that surround me. And these lyrics are so rich, “Come thou fount of every blessing, tune my heart to sing Thy grace…” Rarely can I read them, hear them, think them, sing them without my eyes filling with the tears of a heart that has experienced the depth of these words- so real, “Sorrowing I shall be in spirit, Till released from flesh and sin, Yet from what I do inherit, Here Thy praises I'll begin…”. And it becomes more than a hymn. It's a prayer, a plea, an offering before the Lord of thanksgiving, in awe of his grace and love… “O to grace how great a debtor, daily I’m constrained to be! Let your goodness, like a fetter, bind my wandering heart to thee.”

Today, there is a fresh measure of musings I wish to consider from this song. When you sing/pray "tune my heart to sing thy grace" are you aware of the pangs of correction involved? Do you see how the Lord has had to teach your heart to embrace his grace? Of how He continues to teach your heart to embrace his grace?

I have this picture of a musician and his guitar. The strings are stretched along the neck between the tuners and the body. And the strings are wrapped around little pegs on the headstock where knobs called “tuning keys” (I know I'm more than likely butchering terminology) are used to take this from a mess of wood, metal, and nylon to functioning, musical instrument. However, it's only when accurately tuned that the strings, when plucked or strum, create the desired sound--the beginnings of a sweet melody begin with the pangs of stretched cords.

Have you seen this true in your own life? In your own heart? Have you been “tuned” to sing of God’s grace? His grace: “Jesus sought me when a stranger, Wandering from the fold of God; He, to rescue me from danger, Interposed His precious blood.”

These are the beginnings of a sweet melody, ey? "tune my heart to sing thy grace" A heart that knows Christ-- knows his grace-- is a heart that sings? YES.

My heart has not been easily tuned. God has been tuning my heart to play His sweet melody since the day he gave my heart its beat. At times it has truly felt as though the cords of my heart and mind have utterly snapped. Yet I wonder, "Does it every really snap, though?"

I am stubborn, and my heart is full of pride which has, at times, kept my eyes closed to His grace in my life. My pride has kept me from being able to sing “Here's my heart, O take and seal it, Seal it for Thy courts above.” Stubbornness has caused my hearts eye to close to the correction, the tuning by Christ’s truth as my junk is exposed. Like the screech and misplaced sound of an untuned string trying to be whole in the melody, only causing pain. (Can you visualize the musician, trained to identify the slightest misplaced note, squinting with pain in their face at the sound of this untuned tragedy) It has taken great pain to humble me before such a gracious and merciful Savior. “Prone to wander, Lord I feel it, Prone to leave the God I love…” those words…I know them too well. This great pain, inflicted by my sin, has felt like an irreparable break.

A guitarist knows how to gently care for his instrument. Does not Christ know how to care for me, his instrument? The guitarist knows how to turn those keys, ever so gently. Pluck the stings in just the right way, listening intently to the sound it makes, loosening and tightening…until it plays the desired note at just the right pitch and tone. Does not Christ know the sound he desires my heart to play? Is He not more than capable to tune my heart to play his sweet melody?”  

When pride so thick is humbled, it can feel as though you’ve been broken with no hope. It can feel as though your heart-cord has irreparably been broken. “Can a heart-cord be fixed? Is a heart-cord like the strings of a guitar that are unusable once snapped? As a good friend once told me, “There is a hole in every good illustration.” In Christ, our hearts are never beyond the ability to be healed so long as we breathe in these mortal bodies. Christ is our Hope. Christ is also like the skilled, gentle guitarist, tuning us for His Glory. In his hands, our strings will not break before their time. It is because He knows us, intimately. He knows when, he knows what, he knows how, he knows ALL the details of how each of our hearts will be uniquely tuned to sing of His grace.

  I don’t know if you can relate, but in my Christian walk, I’ve found myself expecting to go from “wretched sinner” to “perfect angel” at the snap of my fingers. And anything less (which is always) leaves this cloud of self-condemnation over me. “I know guitars were not an instrument in Christ’s day…perhaps we have reached the limits of that illustration. But of all the parables Christ had,” I think to myself, “do we see an example of how Christ expects our hearts to be tuned, the speed at which it’s achieved?”

I select another book from the shelf. This one is on Matthew 9:14-17. The disciples of John approach Jesus and ask him why they and the Pharisees fast, but the disciples of Jesus do not. Jesus' first point I can clearly see is defense, I understand it at face value as I have learned that Jesus's disciples were with Jesus so they did not have reason to "miss" him, to long for his presence, as he was already there with them!  But the second defense Christ gives had me puzzled.  Why does Jesus give us examples of patching clothes and instructions on "How to Properly Store Your Favorite Wine?"

Matthew Henry offers explanation, explanation that links these ponderings of stretched strings and tuned hearts:

 "Some duties of religion are harder and more difficult than others, like new cloth and new wine, which require most intenseness of mind, and are most displeasing to flesh and blood; such are religious fasting and the duties that attend it. The best of Christ's disciples pass through a state of infancy; all the trees in Christ's garden are not of a growth, nor all his scholars in the same form; there are babes in Christ and grown men. In the enjoining of religious exercises, the weakness and infirmity of young Christians ought to be considered: as the food provided for them must be such as is proper for their age (1 Cor. 3:2; Heb. 5:12), so must the work be that is cut out for them. Christ would not speak to his disciples that which they could not then bear, John 16:12. Young beginners in religion must not be put upon the hardest duties at first, lest they be discouraged."

(Matthew Henry Commentary Volume 5; 1999: Page 98-99)

Did you know that the tuner must twist those knobs slowly? Like a rubberband or our muscular system, were you to stretch the stings of nylon to quickly at once, they would snap! In reviewing where I was emotionally, spiritually, physically, and mentally at different stages of my life, I’ve really come to understand this to be true. I stand amazed to see how the Lord has deepened my understanding of who He is, and in both the simple and complex aspects of life, He has brought maturity. It’s only upon reflection that the measure of maturity is really seen or noticed. And though I know the maturity has come from a line of tweeks that were painful at times, not always pleasant, I know and praise God for the joy of being tuned to sing of His almighty, beautiful, amazing grace! Like the seasoned strings of a guitar, my heart is continually being tuned for HIS GLORY!

A Moment Like Jonah

Today held a morning of Baptist College moments as I listened to our chapel service from my cozy library office in Virginia. As the sermon closed out and the radio returned to its normal playlist, images of R.G. Lee came to mind. A familiar scene I’ve seen repeated so often in the course of the past 5 years. And I wonder if anything has changed…

Having just been dismissed from Chapel, I can see the faces of those in my alma mater filing out the door. Most probably had their things gathered and ready to jump from their seats and exit as soon as the prayer was complete, (busy is the life of a college student, and after all- the cafeteria opens soon and class comes quickly afterward. There’s not time to stop, breathe, think). Some will most likely be lingering and gathered in clutters around the chapel, in the most inconvenient of positions, to socialize with friends or professors. A few may be lined up to greet Dr. Akin, shake his hand, say their “well to do’s,” network and be on their way. There will be a few, however, who remain in their seats: journaling, processing, thinking about and praying through and actually receiving the words they have just heard.

This select few have not only heard the words, but have been cut to the core by the Holy Spirit, moving and stirring in their hearts, challenging them because they HAVE been Jonah. They are Jonah. Or they desire so beyond measure to not be as Jonah. These contemplator’s hearts are full of compassion… or are being broken for their calloused hearts. It is a great temptation each of us may face to follow as the Lord leads, or run in the opposite direction. And, even if we do move in the direction God leads, each of us will have to actively choose contentment and joy. Each of us can be, have been, or will be Jonah. I know I’ve been opinionated and rebellious. I’ve deemed God’s plans illogical or impossible and have joined the cargo ships to Tarshish, only to find myself in the belly of a whale…

“You ought to not pray ‘shall I go’, instead your prayer should be ‘Why should I stay’” these words are ringing in the ears of our contemplators. I am no stranger to this contemplation. And, I know I am not alone in being faced with this challenge today. Dr. Akin presented the shift in prayer focus we each need. Each of us who have excused away our part in the Great Commission, simply for lack of clarity (as if it could be clearer than “go”) or the myriad of excuses we could and have made. I’d imagine their minds are replaying and shuffling through the reasons why they should or should not stay. Their hearts are wrestling. “Am I just comfortable?” “Have I made excuses?” I know mine has. In fact, it is a discipline of evaluation and reflection I have learned is necessary to employ in my life every couple weeks or months. “God, am I complacent in where I am? Have I calloused from your leading? Should I remain planted in this place, or is it time for a transplant? Am I thriving or just surviving?”

To those contemplators who wrestle through these things with the Lord, and take the time to sit and commune with the Lord, my heart is overjoyed! I pray they have run to their secret place, known only to the Lord and themselves. The place where they meet with Him and face each and every bit of the Spirit’s leading. No walls being thrown up, just a sledge hammer tearing down all their excuses and all of their desires, until they are left prostrate on the floor before the Lord, humbled and full of Eucharisteo (grace, joy, thanksgiving).

For as many times as I remember identifying with the contemplator who is more like the example above, I know there is a flip-side to the coin, and I know I can also identify with the contemplators who are more stubborn. A tragic situation will occur in some of our contemplative individuals. They have just encountered the Holy Spirit, and now they will decide to either lean in closer or build the callous of complacency around their hearts and shove these stirrings deep into their souls. They think it would be easier to ignore the pressing of the Spirit, save it for thought when they have more “time” to process everything. I pray they would realize now is the time to process, to pull away from distractions, to commune with the Father in prayer.  

For those of us who fall into the more stubborn category, it is discovered that the message has hit too close to home. Pride is preventing some to see they are “Jonah.” As Dr. Akin spoke of those stirred with anger for the way God has or is choosing to display His glory, that family member’s face flashed in their mind’s eye as Akin described the scenario of Jonah’s discontentment with God offering forgiveness. How ironic, how arrogant. We are the ones who have caused the great offense against our mighty God, and yet I know I’ve found myself getting angry upon seeing the Holy Spirit move and bring forgiveness and healing to those I’ve deemed unworthy of forgiveness. Completely forgetting that I  am the unworthy one. I damb myself in the same breath that I damb another when I choose to withhold the measure of grace Christ offered. And I know I’m not alone in this. There will be those who will have departed from Lee Chapel today, completely calloused to the Lord revealing this sin of their hearts. They will press it away and it will slowly erode their hearts and bring a great chasm in their hearts between them and the Lord. I pray they would not allow their pride to have a foothold in their hearts any longer. I pray for the pain that will continue to remain as the wounds they’ve inflicted continue to infect their lives, their families, their relationships, their ministry past, present, and future.

                I wish I could link the message to this blog, if for no other reason but so it is archived here as so often I love to reflect back through here and remember how the Lord has opened my own eyes to the remnants of pride eating at my heart, grieving my Jesus. Perhaps the scene I’ve described above is a far-cry from reality. But I don’t think it is. I don’t think it is beyond possibility because I remember being in those pews. I remember days of my arrogance and childish mind- completely missing the treasure of yielding to the Spirit. I remember the days when I sat with my journal and continued to write with fierce speed for fear my mind would forget how the Lord was teaching me…(only to look back later and need a translator for my chicken-scratch-chinese).  If I’ve matured at all, and I believe I have, in my days at BCF I know it came in large part from Chapel services (even if some days it seemed my skills of heresy detection were being sharpened…it’s a reality you will face wherever you are). I remember identifying with each of these types of people…even the ones who rushed for the door or cluttered in the isles.

                I pray that we would each be able to humbly approach the throne and ask as David did, that the Lord would: “Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!” (Psalm 139:23-24 ESV) Specifically, in connection with today’s challenge “Show me my Jonah ways, Lord! Break me of my pride, arrogance and selfishness. I REPENT and wish to turn from my wicked ways.”

Wrecked (gloriously)

Wrecked (in a glorious way) by the truth, the Bible. And by the words of 1 Chron. 10, seeing how seriously God hates sin.
Saul was King and he and his army had been defeated, he was wounded and he asks his armor-bearer to kill him because in pride he didn't want to give his enemy the opportunity to slay him. The servant would not, for fear. (yet he ends his own life after Saul kills himself). And from there, Israel scatters and the philistines are rejoicing and praising their false gods over the victory. (unbeknownst to them, God enabled them this victory because of the disobedience of Saul. They were being used in the one true God's plan. Their idols were still as worthless and dead as they were before). -I wonder how often I have given credit to another for what was really God's providence...too often to count, and yet once is too often.-
And the sin of one man has a ripple affect all over, from the farthest reaches-the ways you cannot see- to the most intimate of relationships and to the core- your relationship with the Lord.
(Have you been WRECKED by the realization that your sin separates you from the one and only, holy, Triune God?)
Wrecked knowing my pride is not far removed from that of King Saul's. Wrecked knowing Christ died, took on the wrath of the Father, on my pridefully wicked behalf.
Sweetly broken.
Held together by His grace.

And my mind is boggled upon these thoughts- continuously when the vision of my sin and the depth of grief I've caused- of how my thoughts and actions have grieved the Spirit, and yet His grace flows and forgiveness abounds. And it's in these times when it is made more clearly- His grace is not to be abused or ill-treated. it is to be treasured, cherished. And infinitely more than that, Jesus is to be treasured, cherished, honored, glorified.

Wrecked thinking about the multiple times of seeking guidance from everywhere else but God, forgetting that "But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ- by grace you have been saved..." (Eph. 2:4-5)
And I forget that? And i somehow think anything or anyone else could actually be a sufficient guide to anything or everything in life? I actually think that "created" would know more than "creator"?
Wrecked of my foolishness. So beautifully coming to understand, by His grace-which has saved me- I breathe each breath. (And it's all for His glory) and it's by His grace I am able to be wrecked. Able to see And praise Him for enabling me to see these things and understand more of this truth- I need Christ, He is ALL I need. And it's from this need that my heart is set in Him, and my mouth flows with praise to Him, and I can thank Him in all circumstances. I can seek Him for wisdom, knowledge, and understanding. I can peacefully trust He is sovereign and His grace is beautiful. He is beautiful. And when something is beautiful, you don't throw it away or stomp it in the ground. Like flowers or a beautiful piece of art, you display it where all can see! You cherish it with your heart and that will be seen in your speech and in your actions.

(Jesus is all YOU need! Do you believe that?)

The Future

Graduation. It's close.
I'm not holding my breath any more.
I'm embracing the uncertainty certain the Lord will guide the way.
There is a plan, and it doesn't look like what is expected and it may not seem like much. But that is okay. Rushing leads to reaction. I want to know the steps I take are directed solely by the Lord. I'm operating on His timing and trying to put intentional thought and prayer to my steps, allowing Him to write the story instead of my old way of create the scheme and then have Him check it off. He isn't meant to just be a box checker.
He creates the material the box is made of, shapes it perfectly for the plans He has, and opens the box for us periodically just to see enough for each moment.

Thank You, Jesus

"My Lord is STRENGTH
& truth.
This, I've Learned
from the
time of youth.
But As I Age,
it is made clear
and I cherrish it
MORE & MORE
each year."


"There is not
but one thought
none of this
is all for not.

Christ hath seen
all my needs
and He is still
at work in me."

Words jotted at some point during this last semester, during the long days and moments when the threat or actual take over of doubt and despair weighed heavy on me. Graduation is in 5 days. The grace of my Savior, Jesus, still amazes me!  I read these words, words written and hung on my calendar in that little space of my own, when in a moment of solitude in that room-thinking, reflecting, planning, breathing.
Despair says I doubt my Savior is near. It says I don't believe His love. It says my confidence has shifted from being sourced by Christ- the overflowing well, to self- the broken cistern.
SO in those moments, I would look at these words, think on His goodness, and HE would provide. O, but even that sentence seems conceded for it was not of me that my thoughts moved from despairing to seeing His face. THAT came from HIM and HIM alone. Because He lives in me. The Holy Spirit, the GOD MOST HIGH reminded me that...
Strength will RISE as we wait upon the Lord. He IS truth. He is STRENGTH. He is my Rock, Redeemer, the Restorer and is Real.

YHWH the Most High is He.

"All my unanswered questions DON'T change the WISDOM OF YOUR WILL." -Sovereign Grace Music

"The more I learn eucharisteo, Less likely I am to Israelite complain and more likely I am to lament, a cry that trusts His heart." -Ann VosKamp

Thank you, Jesus.

"If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ who is your life appears, then you also will appear with him in glory." (Colossians 3:1-4 ESV)

"But when Christ had offered for all time a single sacrifice for sins, he sat down at the right hand of God, waiting from that time until his enemies should be made a footstool for his feet. For by a single offering he has perfected for all time those who are being sanctified.
 And the Holy Spirit also bears witness to us; for after saying,
 “This is the covenant that I will make with them
  after those days, declares the Lord:
 I will put my laws on their hearts,
  and write them on their minds,”
 then he adds,
 “I will remember their sins and their lawless deeds no more.”
 Where there is forgiveness of these, there is no longer any offering for sin.
 Therefore, brothers, since we have confidence to enter the holy places by the blood of Jesus, by the new and living way that he opened for us through the curtain, that is, through his flesh, and since we have a great priest over the house of God, let us draw near with a true heart in full assurance of faith, with our hearts sprinkled clean from an evil conscience and our bodies washed with pure water. Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful. And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.
 For if we go on sinning deliberately after receiving the knowledge of the truth, there no longer remains a sacrifice for sins, but a fearful expectation of judgment, and a fury of fire that will consume the adversaries. Anyone who has set aside the law of Moses dies without mercy on the evidence of two or three witnesses. How much worse punishment, do you think, will be deserved by the one who has trampled underfoot the Son of God, and has profaned the blood of the covenant by which he was sanctified, and has outraged the Spirit of grace? For we know him who said, “Vengeance is mine; I will repay.” And again, “The Lord will judge his people.” It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God.
 But recall the former days when, after you were enlightened, you endured a hard struggle with sufferings, sometimes being publicly exposed to reproach and affliction, and sometimes being partners with those so treated. For you had compassion on those in prison, and you joyfully accepted the plundering of your property, since you knew that you yourselves had a better possession and an abiding one. Therefore do not throw away your confidence, which has a great reward. For you have need of endurance, so that when you have done the will of God you may receive what is promised. For,
 “Yet a little while,
  and the coming one will come and will not delay;
 but my righteous one shall live by faith,
  and if he shrinks back,
 my soul has no pleasure in him.”
 But we are not of those who shrink back and are destroyed, but of those who have faith and preserve their souls." (Hebrews 10:12-39 ESV)