South Asia Update 1

As I mentioned in the previous post, there is a team from Pillar heading to South Asia this Fall! There are 3 of us who will be leaving VA on September 16, and returning October 2.

I have been so blessed and encouraged this week by the comments and support of family and friends as many have ordered the customizable journals and HUGE deal, in just 4 days after posting the first word on this trip and the needs, God provided the funds for the plane ticket through the generosity of a sweet, sweet family :) 

Thank you so very much, we are booking  the tickets on Monday- which makes this REAL!! Wow!!

Praise The Lord for:

1. Providing the ticket funds. 

2. The encouragement/support and sacrificial giving of his Children! 

Please pray for: 

1. The team God is sending. 

2. The $ for in-country expenses as well as for ministry aid for our missionary contact. 

3.The $ for our other team members as they fund raise out work and save. 

4. That I would lean into Christ more and more, trusting Him to provide and guide.

5. Another female to join the team. 

Here is how you can help: 

1. Pre-hire me To babysit, housesit, clean, walk your dog, paint a fence, anytime during the month August. 

2. Sponsor a day's expenses for the trip: $50 covers lodging, food, & in city travel for one day.  (We will be in country 13 days)

3. Sponsor the cost of the visa: $60 

4. Sponsor an interpreter for a day: ($10 per day, 13 days)

 

All donations are tax-deductible.

You can donate online at www.pillardumfries.com/support click on the mission fund button.

Or mail a check memo-ed "Castle South Asia Mission Trip" to 

Pillar Church

PO Box 622

Dumfries Va 22026

I will update the progress of support as funds come in.

Total funds raised as of Today: $1580 

South Asia Bound

Well, family and friends...not really sure anyone knows this blog exists, but as I begin this next endeavor, I thought I would blog about each step along the way. 

A public documentation of how The Lord provides, to encourage you the reader, and me the one who often needs to be reminded to trust God as He directs my steps...(I can be quite stubborn). 

In September, Lord willing, I will head to South Asia with a team from Pillar to work alongside a friend serving there. Helping to train and disciple new believers. 

We will be there from September 16-October 2. 

Please pray for: 

1. The team God is sending. 

2. The $ for travel as well as for ministry aid for our missionary contact. 

3. That I would lean into Christ more and more, trusting Him to provide and guide.

4. Another female to join the team. 

Here is how you can help: 

1. Pre-hire me To babysit, housesit, clean, walk your dog, paint a fence, anytime during the month Of August. (Pay before hand and secure a date, this will help with purchase of plane ticket- ~$1200-$1400; a $500 deposit is needed at this time). 

2. Sponsor a day's expenses for the trip: $50 covers lodging, food, & in city travel for one day.  (We will be in country 13 days)

3. Sponsor the cost of the visa: $60

4. Sponsor an interpreter for a day: ($10 per day, 13 days)

 

All donations are tax-deductible.

You can donate online at www.pillardumfries.com/support click on the mission fund button.

Or mail a check memo-ed "Castle Southeast Asia Mission Trip" to 

Pillar Church

PO Box 622

Dumfries Va 22026

I will update the progress of support as funds come in.

 As of today: $80

I wonder, who can relate?

Words from this Journey

September 1, 2013 1:50pm

I wonder who can relate? 

I can vaguely remember the scenario which envoked this writing. And we did eventually talk, but most of the healing came from The Lord working conviction of pride, repentance & forgiveness in my heart and enabling me to love out of His grace and not my own strength. Perhaps someone else could relate and choose to trust God heal and restore all brokenness through repentance & crying out to Jesus. 

------------------------------

Like a gaping wound Is my heart today. Sin exposed for what it is. my flesh and the Spirit within fight. 

I cry out Your name but I feel so vain. 

Useless for Your glory.

 Frustrated by the fight. 

I can't see clearly, 

am I wrong or am I right?

God please show me!! 

Show me Your truth. 

Show me who You are. 

Draw me closer to you.

I know you are near, not at all far. 

----------------------------------

Small talk is painful. 

Can we please just dive in? 

Can we skip the formalities and understand, 

understand that you and I you and I are friends. 

No, family. 

family tied closer than that of blood,

 we are family of soul. 

the kind that lasts and is not momentary as these days of earth pass. 

can we understand that Time is fleeting, 

a vapor in the wind 

and all that really matters is who's within. 

This talk of weather and cleaning and the mundane, 

it wretches my soul and just leaves me feeling lame.

 Please, o please! 

Can we talk of Jesus and rejoice together in His name?

Yet I know the wall 

and I see the shame 

that even keeps me from ending this game. 

It's pride. it's sin. 

Jesus, forgive me. 

I confess my sin of pride and flesh

I confess I've chosen to defame Your name as I disobediently refused to be humbled.

Help me, Lord. 

Needy and weary I come to you. 

I choose now to forgive and seek restoration

To love and have a tenderized heart. 

But not in strength of my own hands, 

Only, dear Lord, by your grace and the power of Your Name.

Am I able? Will I fail?

Am I able? Will I fail? 

February 11, 2014

Worry and fear will cripple you.  An old lesson that i clearly continue to face, and desperately pray I will be able to respond differently toward with each new encounter 

It was a daunting fear mingled with excitement that day in the summer of '07. In a different country and faced by the prospect of hiking to the summit of a mountain, my mind raced. thrilled to embark on an adventure, in another country, in nature, at the youthfully fresh age of 18. yet thoughts of fear threatened to steal my gaze from the thrill, dwelling instead on the task with dread. not quite at my heaviest at that point, because over that summer i had lost at least 15lbs, i was still obese and woefully out of shape. Especially compared to my team, which consisted of 5 athletes, and myself. And there I was, at a cross roads of making the decision to be locked into being controlled by fear, or facing the challenge and pressing forward.  How would I know my limits unless I tried? Who by simply staring at a mountain actually succeeded in reaching the summit? 

It's the same with facing fears.

Is the Lord calling you to do something you feel completely inadequate for? Do you fear failure? 

Facing your fears knowing Who, namely the Lord,is leading you will surely end in victory. He will not call us to a task that He will not provide strength and grace to accomplish. We are called to walk by faith and trust Him for the results. 

"Self, Take it one step at a time. One decision at a time. Just one moment at a time. 

Repent of your worry and fear, humbly acknowledge that He is in control and that you need Him, then simply press on in obedience with the next task. Worry not about what others my think or say, be only concerned with the opinion of God Almighty. He is Worthy. 

Sincerely, 

The burnt dreamer crying out for healing 

Inches are Inches for a Reason Part 2

There I sat, on the floor with the textbooks of all 6 subjects I would be teaching the following day, spread out and scattered about. The guys were used to this scene. They graciously opened their space to my pitiful student teaching mess often, and tonight we were all in the room together. Them, nose in a book or on their phones--me wondering how I would teach 6th grade history from a non-existent textbook and manage to write adequate reflections on every second of what had become the most trying semester of my entire college career.

In a fit of frustration, I spoke my concerns to my audience of 2. And so began the conversation which quickly went to the ever-so-lovely Public School vs. Homeschooling subject. Of which, I had become passionately homeschool minded. After all, my link to sanity in this degree was the understanding that all this "training" would prepare me to homeschool my own quiver-full of rugrats! Career was never on my list of prioritied. And in this student teaching position, I felt as though I was running in a hamster wheel. Constant movement and so much work with little to no distance covered and no clear measure of accomplishment. 

One of the guys happened to share most of the same opinions in the subject, but definitely not my second friend. He brought up some valid points to consider. We discussed the need for Christians in the Public School arena and how we ought to be in the world, not of the world. "If all the Christian abandon the schools then who will be teaching the next generation?" The wheels of my mind were spinning. How can we be lights in dark places if we are not in dark places?

Father brought to my mind the brokenness that existed in the families of just my 18 6th graders. My friend was right.

But I remember thinking and processing all I was going through as a student teacher and how when I am married one day, my ministry will be first to my husband and family. The thought of trying to balance family and teacher with all the demands of each screamed with impossibility! In my mind, 100% effort and the care or attention needed for each would be beyond my ability.

"That's not your concern, today." Father spoke to my heart. 

And then this friend asked the question, the one I had been pondering and seeking understanding for the last 4 years:

"Why in the world are you in school to become a teacher if you are so against public school?" 

And all at once, every thought of frustration and question and anything linked to this subject which has passed my mind in the previous 4years came rushing back! All.at.once!! 

I remember sitting in my college courses, attention diverted from the day's lecture as my thoughts exploded on the pages of my notebook in reaction to something said by my professors or the textbooks. "Remind me again, God, why you brought me here? I can't be a teacher! I hated public school when I was in it! And four walls, 8 hours a day? That's not how a kid should learn! And your saying each kid will have different needs. if they fail its my fault, right? even if I've done all I can and exhausted the limited resources, or they just gave up!?? This is such a broken system! I don't want to spend my life working in a broken system. ever fearful of speaking your name for threat of my job! Give me a mountain, fresh air, some grass...anything but the cage of a classroom! Let me teach where my hands aren't bound by a godless society" (Or something to that affect, recorded similarly on more than one occasion, just as dramatic, too).

So I gave my inquizative friend the only answer I had. The one that contained all the understanding Father had showed me to that point:

"I have no intention of making this my career. My desire is to be married and have children. But today, I am single and this is where God has called me to today. This is the task He gave me to complete. I have to remain obedient to what he has given me to do today. And today, that means I'm writing lesson plans for a classroom full of 6th graders." 

I've come to an understanding that Father has a sense of humor! Like I've stated in the previous blog entry, at this juncture in my life what I had maybe hoped for or envisioned my life would look like, looks slightly different then what is reality. 

Upon moving back to Virginia, I began working as a substitute for the local school system until The Lord provided a tutoring position at a local school. Broken system or not, there I was working in it! 

Inches are Inches for a Reason

Have you heard the expression "give them an inch, they will take a mile" before? This age old saying is as true today as it was when it was first said long ago (though I really don't know who said it or how long ago it really is). I see this most in the lives of those lovely angels in the classroom. Children are in an ever increasing state of testing the waters and so often, though not always, if you lax on your rules they will try to see how far they can go in their new boundary lines. Or if you treat them in small ways, they will shoot for all the bells and whistles!

But we as adults are not excluded from this boundary-testing or want-of-more state of mind. At least, I know I'm not. In my relationship with Christ, specifically in this time of determining what His plan for my life is, I see this clearly. He shows me an inch of His plan for my life and I kick and scream wanting to see the whole mile mapped out before me.

Since graduating from BCF this past December (2012), and moving back to Virginia, I have been in this state of wondering what will come next while trying to faithfully serve here where Father has placed me, and somehow unpack my mind of some hefty questions. Father has faithfully continued to teach me more of His character and has blessed me with so much soul family who teach, challenge, and encourage me DAILY.

My heart, however, has fought to remain content. I have often been inwardly as a toddler, throwing tantrums and giving Father the silent treatment (as though He didn't already know my thoughts before they flowed through my noggin). And the more of His character I learn, the more I cannot deny the filth of my sin in fighting his plan. It is perfect, it is good. I know this to be true, and yet I've so blatantly folded my hands and turned my back to him, nose to the sky, pouty lip pooched out to show him how dissatisfied I am with what I can see of this plan.

By this time of my life, I had imagined several scenarios: Married, serving alongside my husband in some far off mountain land, or running an orphanage in a jungle somewhere. Or perhaps hiking the Appalachian Trail, winning nomads and hippies to Jesus. Never did I once think...(no wait, that's a lie. I did think briefly think that Father could send me back to my homeplace...but I shrugged that thought...nightmare off as nonsense)...it seemed highly unlikely to be what He would choose.

Somehow over time in the conclusion of my senior year of school, the idea of going home actually became enticing. Father caused my heart to actually long to return to Virginia. Though Florida had had its charm, my time there had concluded, and it was clear coming home would be the best solution. This newly developed longing to be with my soul family at Pillar was truly what brought me home, and eagerly. But my hearts contentment had been displaced through events in November. And though Father continued to draw me close to Him, I let myself continue to believe lies of his character and let resentment grow in my heart towards Him for this new "turn in the road" that I did not approve of.

Outwardly I have tried to step one foot forward at a time and do all I possibly can to stay busy doing good. "I don't want to talk to you right now, Father! I just can't handle this right now. I don't understand why I am here. I don't understand and yes, I realize you will provide understanding, but I just don't have time to talk to you. I've got to figure this out on my own. Cause you're way just is not working for me!"

That's the grieving words I would say in my core to Father each time he would whisper softly to me. I ceased communing with him, sure I'd read his words but they weren't life breathing, truth to my soul. They were just mere words on a page, and not much more. I was overcome by fear, waiting for what I didn't believe or trust He would give me. The desires of my heart...the ones He had sown in my soul. This is pride, this is rebellion. This is me saying I am entitled to something when really, all we are given is His grace to us.

Do you see the disease of arrogance? How it creeps in? How it can erode the senses of what was once so sweet and true? 

He would draw me away from the chaos of the days I had managed to fill with more ways to serve and less time to spend as His Love. He would lead me to a mountain peak, or a forest deep. Then there was a hammocks rest, in a night under the stars. This wrestle of flesh and spirit...my love pursuing me. Despite my anger, confusion, arrogance, irritation...(all of which were completely displaced and linked to thoughts and understandings completely not consistent with the true nature and character of my Jesus) my love PURSUED me.

And He wasn't just going to stop with these spits of refreshment, where on the mountain peak, in forest deep or swinging on a hammock beneath His stars, He drew me near and sweet confession was birthed from the pangs of his gentle conviction. No, he didn't stop there with just the sweet sips of His grace which began to return life to my weary-from-fighting soul with each humbling moment.

"Father, I have been foolish. I know you have a plan. I know it is good. I need your help and strength to trust You. I need your help to be content."

...Stay tuned...part 2 coming soon. 

Dear Hurting Ones

Dear hurting ones, 

With clenched fists, we hold the broken shards of shattered clay. Shaking in each others faces, fury growing when all we see is each others disgrace. and clenching tighter with every emotion filled, narcissistic thought, the wounds go deeper and deeper. A pool of blood and clay pieces fills our even tighter grasp. Infection sets in. The adrenaline powered endurance is strengthened by our hurt and anger. Despite the immense pain throbbing in our hand, we refuse to let go, to loosen our grip and let the very thing infecting and hurting us drop to the floor. Healing can't come until we let go of what is causing the pain. 

Shaking our heads at truth, we obstinately refuse to recognize we are just as broken as who we claim has harmed us or done us wrong. We have been and are the shards which grieve and pain the very one who created us, who sent His son, who died for our own broken mess. We are each broken clay needing to be molded by the eternal potter, creator. 

When will we individually stop shaking our fists full of clay shards? When will we understand our own brokenness and be moved to compassion toward the other broken clays? 

When will we cease clenching tighter, breaking and cutting more and more and instead let the pieces fall to the ground? Out of our hands and at the disposal of the potter, the one true God, to mold and reshape. 

We are stubborn. "That broken clay doesn't deserve to be remolded, fixed, reshaped!" We shout this with anger and pain filled tears flowing from our eyes. 

But it's this thinking that proves we believe we are somehow different from the other broken clay. 

Let go, already! Let go! Stop being so narcissistic and realize the truth. 

Recognize who you really are and how in need of Christ YOU are! 

Let the healing begin!!! 

And like peroxide on an open wound bubbles and removes the dirt and infection, so the Grace of Christ flows over all the deep heart and soul wounds, bubbling and removing all that was claiming our joy and claiming our peace. Joy and peace that come only from knowing Christ and this cross. 

Sincerely,

Clay Sister