Inches are Inches for a Reason Part 2

There I sat, on the floor with the textbooks of all 6 subjects I would be teaching the following day, spread out and scattered about. The guys were used to this scene. They graciously opened their space to my pitiful student teaching mess often, and tonight we were all in the room together. Them, nose in a book or on their phones--me wondering how I would teach 6th grade history from a non-existent textbook and manage to write adequate reflections on every second of what had become the most trying semester of my entire college career.

In a fit of frustration, I spoke my concerns to my audience of 2. And so began the conversation which quickly went to the ever-so-lovely Public School vs. Homeschooling subject. Of which, I had become passionately homeschool minded. After all, my link to sanity in this degree was the understanding that all this "training" would prepare me to homeschool my own quiver-full of rugrats! Career was never on my list of prioritied. And in this student teaching position, I felt as though I was running in a hamster wheel. Constant movement and so much work with little to no distance covered and no clear measure of accomplishment. 

One of the guys happened to share most of the same opinions in the subject, but definitely not my second friend. He brought up some valid points to consider. We discussed the need for Christians in the Public School arena and how we ought to be in the world, not of the world. "If all the Christian abandon the schools then who will be teaching the next generation?" The wheels of my mind were spinning. How can we be lights in dark places if we are not in dark places?

Father brought to my mind the brokenness that existed in the families of just my 18 6th graders. My friend was right.

But I remember thinking and processing all I was going through as a student teacher and how when I am married one day, my ministry will be first to my husband and family. The thought of trying to balance family and teacher with all the demands of each screamed with impossibility! In my mind, 100% effort and the care or attention needed for each would be beyond my ability.

"That's not your concern, today." Father spoke to my heart. 

And then this friend asked the question, the one I had been pondering and seeking understanding for the last 4 years:

"Why in the world are you in school to become a teacher if you are so against public school?" 

And all at once, every thought of frustration and question and anything linked to this subject which has passed my mind in the previous 4years came rushing back! All.at.once!! 

I remember sitting in my college courses, attention diverted from the day's lecture as my thoughts exploded on the pages of my notebook in reaction to something said by my professors or the textbooks. "Remind me again, God, why you brought me here? I can't be a teacher! I hated public school when I was in it! And four walls, 8 hours a day? That's not how a kid should learn! And your saying each kid will have different needs. if they fail its my fault, right? even if I've done all I can and exhausted the limited resources, or they just gave up!?? This is such a broken system! I don't want to spend my life working in a broken system. ever fearful of speaking your name for threat of my job! Give me a mountain, fresh air, some grass...anything but the cage of a classroom! Let me teach where my hands aren't bound by a godless society" (Or something to that affect, recorded similarly on more than one occasion, just as dramatic, too).

So I gave my inquizative friend the only answer I had. The one that contained all the understanding Father had showed me to that point:

"I have no intention of making this my career. My desire is to be married and have children. But today, I am single and this is where God has called me to today. This is the task He gave me to complete. I have to remain obedient to what he has given me to do today. And today, that means I'm writing lesson plans for a classroom full of 6th graders." 

I've come to an understanding that Father has a sense of humor! Like I've stated in the previous blog entry, at this juncture in my life what I had maybe hoped for or envisioned my life would look like, looks slightly different then what is reality. 

Upon moving back to Virginia, I began working as a substitute for the local school system until The Lord provided a tutoring position at a local school. Broken system or not, there I was working in it! 

Inches are Inches for a Reason

Have you heard the expression "give them an inch, they will take a mile" before? This age old saying is as true today as it was when it was first said long ago (though I really don't know who said it or how long ago it really is). I see this most in the lives of those lovely angels in the classroom. Children are in an ever increasing state of testing the waters and so often, though not always, if you lax on your rules they will try to see how far they can go in their new boundary lines. Or if you treat them in small ways, they will shoot for all the bells and whistles!

But we as adults are not excluded from this boundary-testing or want-of-more state of mind. At least, I know I'm not. In my relationship with Christ, specifically in this time of determining what His plan for my life is, I see this clearly. He shows me an inch of His plan for my life and I kick and scream wanting to see the whole mile mapped out before me.

Since graduating from BCF this past December (2012), and moving back to Virginia, I have been in this state of wondering what will come next while trying to faithfully serve here where Father has placed me, and somehow unpack my mind of some hefty questions. Father has faithfully continued to teach me more of His character and has blessed me with so much soul family who teach, challenge, and encourage me DAILY.

My heart, however, has fought to remain content. I have often been inwardly as a toddler, throwing tantrums and giving Father the silent treatment (as though He didn't already know my thoughts before they flowed through my noggin). And the more of His character I learn, the more I cannot deny the filth of my sin in fighting his plan. It is perfect, it is good. I know this to be true, and yet I've so blatantly folded my hands and turned my back to him, nose to the sky, pouty lip pooched out to show him how dissatisfied I am with what I can see of this plan.

By this time of my life, I had imagined several scenarios: Married, serving alongside my husband in some far off mountain land, or running an orphanage in a jungle somewhere. Or perhaps hiking the Appalachian Trail, winning nomads and hippies to Jesus. Never did I once think...(no wait, that's a lie. I did think briefly think that Father could send me back to my homeplace...but I shrugged that thought...nightmare off as nonsense)...it seemed highly unlikely to be what He would choose.

Somehow over time in the conclusion of my senior year of school, the idea of going home actually became enticing. Father caused my heart to actually long to return to Virginia. Though Florida had had its charm, my time there had concluded, and it was clear coming home would be the best solution. This newly developed longing to be with my soul family at Pillar was truly what brought me home, and eagerly. But my hearts contentment had been displaced through events in November. And though Father continued to draw me close to Him, I let myself continue to believe lies of his character and let resentment grow in my heart towards Him for this new "turn in the road" that I did not approve of.

Outwardly I have tried to step one foot forward at a time and do all I possibly can to stay busy doing good. "I don't want to talk to you right now, Father! I just can't handle this right now. I don't understand why I am here. I don't understand and yes, I realize you will provide understanding, but I just don't have time to talk to you. I've got to figure this out on my own. Cause you're way just is not working for me!"

That's the grieving words I would say in my core to Father each time he would whisper softly to me. I ceased communing with him, sure I'd read his words but they weren't life breathing, truth to my soul. They were just mere words on a page, and not much more. I was overcome by fear, waiting for what I didn't believe or trust He would give me. The desires of my heart...the ones He had sown in my soul. This is pride, this is rebellion. This is me saying I am entitled to something when really, all we are given is His grace to us.

Do you see the disease of arrogance? How it creeps in? How it can erode the senses of what was once so sweet and true? 

He would draw me away from the chaos of the days I had managed to fill with more ways to serve and less time to spend as His Love. He would lead me to a mountain peak, or a forest deep. Then there was a hammocks rest, in a night under the stars. This wrestle of flesh and spirit...my love pursuing me. Despite my anger, confusion, arrogance, irritation...(all of which were completely displaced and linked to thoughts and understandings completely not consistent with the true nature and character of my Jesus) my love PURSUED me.

And He wasn't just going to stop with these spits of refreshment, where on the mountain peak, in forest deep or swinging on a hammock beneath His stars, He drew me near and sweet confession was birthed from the pangs of his gentle conviction. No, he didn't stop there with just the sweet sips of His grace which began to return life to my weary-from-fighting soul with each humbling moment.

"Father, I have been foolish. I know you have a plan. I know it is good. I need your help and strength to trust You. I need your help to be content."

...Stay tuned...part 2 coming soon.