Paint and Questions from the Littles

Paint in hand, I was caught at the door way.

"Do you even want to get married, Becky?" asked my seven year old friend. 

 "Where is this question coming from?" I giggled, having been startled by the abrupt way she approached this subject. (Silly me, I thought we were painting. What about painting could have possibly brought on this question? Clearly it was something on her mind, though.) This subject usually stops me dead in my tracks and hits the core of my heart--though the ones asking are usually under the age of 10. In these moments, I'm reminded of Peter and his denial of Christ at the question of a little child.  A child's curiosity will lead them to ask whatever question is on their mind. They have curiosity without fear; something I admire greatly. But sometimes their questions hit to the core in a way they can't even comprehend, yet.

I came to the conclusion in my mind that my young friend doesn't fully understand that weight of the question she just asked. She's just asking a question. No pretense, just pure curiosity. Still, the question, regardless of who it is being asked by, feels like a test...like a pop quiz...I hate pop quizzes. 

After all, I say I trust God. So this is an invitation to respond to a different question--Do I trust God in this moment to speak the truth over my heart and over hers right now? Because maybe what my friend is asking, but doesn't realize, is whether there are things in life that we can't trust God for? 

My friend continues, "Well, you just...I don't know, you just don't seem like the marrying type."

(If anyone else had been in the room with us, I'm sure they'd have seen my eyes bug out of my sockets. What in the world??? Deep breathes. This child loves you and means NOTHING of harm to you. She is reporting on what she has observed...Take a deep breath. I prayed in the moment-- two words. HELP ME. and it was in the next few moments that the Lord came and comforted my heart)

the inner dialogue of that moment became something like this...Is that the person I put off to others? Really? Hold on...This could be a good thing! Does this mean that it's contentedness that others see? My friend here is not the first to ask me this question. How is it that my deepest of desires is not even known by any of these? Why are people shocked when I answer them that I DO desire marriage? 

Lord, does this mean that my life displays to others a heart contented and trusting YOU?? 

Surely this is an act of You, GOD ALMIGHTY because You know how many tears have flowed--in that secret time with You, when I'm honest and needy, needing you to speak Your truth over my heart. When I'm crying out for Your grace to hold me in Your arms. When it's taking every ounce of my being to choose to take refuge in You and choose to trust Your plan, and choose to trust that JESUS IS SUFFICIENT! 

Wow! Could it be that what my friend is seeing is the power of Christ grace in me. Wow. I hope that's what it is. God, You are good. 

I smiled, took a breath, and answered my friend. "I do want to be married, friend. But God has not decided it is time. I'm trusting Him to make that call."

-----------------------------------------------------------

This is not always easy. 

I've been tempted to entertain the affections of men who have shown interest in me, even knowing I'd never marry them. To entertain these affections would be unloving to these men, my brothers in Christ. 

I've been questioned by family members of my "sexual orientation" simply because of choosing to not date around or have sex. (These conversations have provided a great platform to share the gospel with my family, and others, so--that's a WIN!) Sex is not the answer to loneliness. being in a relationship does not cure us from loneliness or somehow increase our value as a human being, either. Those are both lies from the enemy. 

I've also been told I'm too stubborn or not doing enough--not "putting myself out there" enough. And I've been tempted to try to be the one to pursue a man. 

Truth is, I am stubborn and independent. But I think those are graces from the Lord that help me wait on his timing and trust that Christ is sufficient. If I'm called to marry, call me old-fashioned or prudent (which by the way, means wise), the Lord will direct the man to pursue and the Lord will guide us. 

At the end of the day---> If all the littles in my life, and all my single friends or whomever is observing, look at my days on earth and conclude that JESUS is ENOUGH, then PRAISE be to THE LORD!! All these single days would be worth it.

If they can see, through my life, that Christ, NOT MAN, makes them whole-- then BRING on the awkward conversations! 

Jesus is BETTER!! He will cause our hearts to believe this. 

Confessions from a Recovering Work-aholic: Expectations that Squelch the Mesage of the Gospel

TO DELETE or NOT...That is the question: I've written from time to time on this blog of mine for years, yet I highly doubt anyone actually reads it. Through working at a camp, beginning college, working through goals, lamenting over failed attempts and setting new goals, crying over college-induced stress, times of circumstance-induced stress, homesickness (something I never thought I'd experience), etc. This blog has been a record of some of the journey. When I re-read posts, my own immaturity beams from some of my early writings and I ask "should I delete this, now? the immaturity, and stumbling along the way, its all in print...this is embarrassing." 

However, I've resolved to leave the script as it is. I cannot change the past and it's in reflection of the past that the Lord continues to sharpen and equip me for obedience in the day I happen to be living at this given time. And so I think it is supposed to be. Perhaps, in leaving the past exposed, any who read could find comfort knowing we really are ALL people in need of changed hearts and renewed minds, and this happening in us daily. 

If we hit a proverbial "delete" button on our past, what would the perceived image of our lives, presented to people who meet us today, look like? Who would be exalted?  I have had too many conversations with others struggling to be vulnerable-shoot...I have been one struggling to be vulnerable- because there is this perceived image of what it looks like to follow Christ, this image that does more to reflect and promote self accomplishments than Gospel-changed hearts. The more quiet I have been about how the Gospel has changed me through my life, the more the message of the Power of the Gospel has been silenced in my life and relationships. And not just from the world around me, but also from myself. 


Consumed by Self-imposed Expectations: I think that too often we as a people, as individuals, focus too much on instant change.  While I cannot speak for you, I can speak of how my own ideals have been so sky high and "right" in my own understanding that the pursuit of these ideals has consumed me. My time, energy, resources have been spent shaping various ideals that were really idols fashioned by my human sized hands and set before God to "Check off/approve of." 

I used to press on towards an image of false perfection. A pursuit that only left me choking on my own self-consumed, legalistic, idealistic expectations that I thought would qualify me to receive the fulfillment of my dreams.   But, knowing the nature of my plans...Isaiah 55 pretty much blows that mentality out of the water...making it null and void when Isaiah records this: 

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts,

neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD.

For as the heavens are higher than the earth, 

so are my ways higher than your ways

and my thoughts than your thoughts."

(Isaiah 55:8-9 ESV)

These words of truth appear on the screen before me and I feel like a hypocrite for even typing them because as removed from my pursuit of perfection as the Holy Spirit has brought me, the bend toward idealistic expectations shows its ugly face in my life when my eyes are off Christ. And that happens more than I'd care to admit. 
In a mind consumed with ideals, it would be IDEAL to write about a struggle AFTER I have conquered the battle (which is really just PRIDE) rather than be vulnerable (which is HUMILITY). And since my life is meant to SHOW the message of Christ to a world already choking on its way to hell, the way of vulnerability and humility is REALLY the only option I have.  


MARTHA or MARY:  There is another aspect of having unrealistic expectations that can keep us from loving one another, and also distract us from spending time with Christ. 
In Luke 10: 38-42 Luke gives an account involving Jesus and two sisters, Martha and Mary. 
Martha was a busy bee, working, working...she hardly rested and she resented her sister for not joining her efforts. Mary chose the better portion, she sat at the feet of Jesus and soaked in every moment she could to be in His presence. She wasn't concerned about dishes or appearances. She was solely concerned with being near to Jesus.

During different seasons of my life, friends of mine have kindly pointed out that my own expectations are bound to choke me.  

Are you there, too?  We are all stumbling along in this life thing. None of us are going to be perfect (not until the day we are united with Christ and His righteousness is once and for all rested on us who have submitted to Him).

So what are we to do until then? How do we go through life, juggle between our plans and dreams and the way HE decides our path with look like?
Well. 
We don't stop dreaming. But we do submit our ideas to His ultimate authority and choosing. 
We don't stop planning. But we do trust that as we work out our plans, He may redirect us. 
We don't stop moving forward. But we do humbly say "I'm ready to flex and change gears as you decide which steps I should take." 
We don't cower in the corner. But we do CHOOSE to TRUST HIM. (I'm typing this out as words to my own heart that is needing the reminder)
We don't give up. We "press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." 
We don't work for our salvation. We repent and believe that Christ death and resurrection are sufficient for our salvation--that there is NOTHING in us that could have made us right before God. Only the righteousness of Jesus. WE REST at the feet of our savior.
and
We don't compare our journey to that of our neighbor's. Instead, we focus on our hearts before the Lord and the doing of what he has called each of us to do. Love God by obeying Him. Love God by loving our neighbors. Love God by doing all we do in our lives as though HIS GLORY in what we do is our main goal. Love God by celebrating the grace He has given in our neighbor's life. Love God by realizing we each have a unique assignment given us by God--none more important than the next. Love God by living a life of gratitude.

Awakening

"Oh my soul, wait on The Lord."

Discontentment wiggles its way in my heart with each thought not surrendered to my Jesus. It's likely to choke my life of joy and it's so hard to breathe. 

I just woke in a panic. My mind was racing in a dream and the dream became so real, I woke. 

Today is a gift, not a curse. Today is filled with opportunity to confess my discontent thoughts, repent of this desire to control my life and plan my own days. Today is full of opportunity to live in this humbleness before The Lord and before man. I don't see all that God is doing in my life. There's alot of covert operative work that none of us can see, but His word promises that all of these things are being worked for our good and his ultimate Glory--that our lives would be shaped and molded to be more like Christ. 

I believe this. I believe God has plans for my days on earth. I believe He does see and know the deepest desires and dreams of my heart. And I believe He will continue to work in my heart and life, providing for my needs & teaching me to trust His plan. He will weed out the things that my heart tries to find satisfaction in. He will strip my life of all that keeps me from treasuring Him. He will do this because He loves me. 

So when I fumble through the days, the nights that are sometimes even more difficult, I'll remind myself of what His word says. 

"But godliness with contentment is great gain, for we brought nothing into the world, and we cannot take anything out of the world." 1 Timothy 6:6-7

"For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from him. 

He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be shaken. On God rests my salvation and my glory; my mighty rock, my refuge is God. Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before him; God is a refuge for us." Psalm 62:5-8

"The fear of the LORD leads to life;  then one rests content, untouched by trouble." Proverbs 19:23

"His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of him who called us to his own glory and excellence,

by which he has granted to us his precious and very great promises, so that through them you may become partakers of the divine nature, having escaped from the corruption that is in the world because of sinful desire.

For this very reason, make every effort to supplement your faith with virtue, and virtue with knowledge,

and knowledge with self-control, and self-control with steadfastness, and steadfastness with godliness,

and godliness with brotherly affection, and brotherly affection with love.

For if these qualities are yours and are increasing, they keep you from being ineffective or unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.

For whoever lacks these qualities is so nearsighted that he is blind, having forgotten that he was cleansed from his former sins.

Therefore, brothers, be all the more diligent to confirm your calling and election, for if you practice these qualities you will never fall.

For in this way there will be richly provided for you an entrance into the eternal kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ." 2 Peter 1:3-11

46 Hours to Go

I go back and forth in my mind. Hard to believe in 2 days I'll be flying over the Atlantic, past Côte d'Ivoire and the Mediterranean Sea, land in the Middle East and then over to South Asia the following day. I know it's only for 17 days, and that's like a blink in the grand scheme of time...but I'm in awe. His thoughts, His plans...so much better! 

Pray for our team. Pray for our focus. Pray the Gospel is central to every aspect  of the trip...in how we interact with one another, in how me react to situations that may arise, in our speech, our thoughts, in just everything! 

The overlooked moments

Karen was a 15 year old girl who heard the gospel for the first time the week we visited her village in the Andes. And she wanted to learn more, she wanted a copy of God's word that she could share with her friend, so they could learn together. 

God provided a copy for her that week, though we didnt have one to give from our team. I'll never forget her hunger for the word. And I'll never forget what God taught me on those 5minutes that lingered for eternity- that spsn of time betweeb when we didnt have a Bible to give her and when The Lord provided. 

His word was not a treasure to me. I had infinite access to multiple translations, and taken it for granted that not only was the Bible at my fingertips back home, but it was also in my heart-language! I could pick it up and read it and understand it. 

For hundreds of people groups, that is not the case. Their heart language may not have a Bible translated--or even more then that, their language may not even have a written code for a Bible to be translated in. 

And, similar to Karen, there are over 6,000 people groups worldwide who have never heard the gospel, never heard the salvific message of Christ. And they will live their whole lives & eventually die without ever having the opportunity to hear the name of Jesus and his gospel. 

Will you pray for translators and pray for these people groups to hear and receive the gospel. Will you adopt a people group to pray for and adopt. as a family of church body, & even send teams, or go youself, to engage the people with the gospel?? 

And will you pray that you and I would be obedient to share the gospel with anyone we encounter this week? Right in the midst of our everyday-mundane moments, God has prepared the way for us to share His truth with someone. Ask him to show you His heart in your every moment. 

Tuesday is 3 Weeks Away

I was one of those adventurers who claimed their "adventures" and still pretty much kept to the safest and most familiar. South Asia never quite made it to my list of ideal destinations. Not for lack of seeing beautiful pictures or hearing captivating stories. Friends served over there. Their blogs were filled with well written pieces of how God was at work in their midst. Still, somehow the map I looked at excluded South Asia. Too many stories of real suffering and too much fear...not enough love. Let's be real. There was NO love.
Fascination with cultural differences does not equate to real, authentic GOSPEL LOVE. Fascination with another culture is not enough to thrust me out of my comfort zone into places with out control and with out "safety."

Gospel Love knows the grace of salvific love found in CHRIST and out of that love is compelled to see that all would know Christ no matter the personal cost for a two-fold purpose: 1. for Christ to be exalted and praised from every tribe tongue and nation. and 2. because we know the love we've received, we should hope that all would know that same love.

I don't stand alone in this. I'm not the only Christian in the world...in America...in Northern Virginia...who has chosen safe routes and made excuses for not even sharing the gospel with my neighbors.

The up-to-date news has come about once a month since October and who (but God) knew reading some emails would come to this. This change in heart, this shift of focus... To sitting 3 weeks away from boarding a plane to meet a world 9hours & 45minutes in the future. To take a minuscule part, with 3 others from my home church, in God's BIG PICTURE purpose of seeing no place left. No place left where the gospel has not been heard, no place left where the people have not had even the opportunity to have access to the gospel.

God knew. He knew, and has a plan to reform each of our minds. That what is important to His heart would be important to ours. His gospel proclaimed. His name the fame of every tribe, tongue, and nation. 

  



 

South Asia Update 1

As I mentioned in the previous post, there is a team from Pillar heading to South Asia this Fall! There are 3 of us who will be leaving VA on September 16, and returning October 2.

I have been so blessed and encouraged this week by the comments and support of family and friends as many have ordered the customizable journals and HUGE deal, in just 4 days after posting the first word on this trip and the needs, God provided the funds for the plane ticket through the generosity of a sweet, sweet family :) 

Thank you so very much, we are booking  the tickets on Monday- which makes this REAL!! Wow!!

Praise The Lord for:

1. Providing the ticket funds. 

2. The encouragement/support and sacrificial giving of his Children! 

Please pray for: 

1. The team God is sending. 

2. The $ for in-country expenses as well as for ministry aid for our missionary contact. 

3.The $ for our other team members as they fund raise out work and save. 

4. That I would lean into Christ more and more, trusting Him to provide and guide.

5. Another female to join the team. 

Here is how you can help: 

1. Pre-hire me To babysit, housesit, clean, walk your dog, paint a fence, anytime during the month August. 

2. Sponsor a day's expenses for the trip: $50 covers lodging, food, & in city travel for one day.  (We will be in country 13 days)

3. Sponsor the cost of the visa: $60 

4. Sponsor an interpreter for a day: ($10 per day, 13 days)

 

All donations are tax-deductible.

You can donate online at www.pillardumfries.com/support click on the mission fund button.

Or mail a check memo-ed "Castle South Asia Mission Trip" to 

Pillar Church

PO Box 622

Dumfries Va 22026

I will update the progress of support as funds come in.

Total funds raised as of Today: $1580